Tragic Queendom

Meeting With Destiny

2009-10-08T22:19:00.004-04:00

I am not sure if I am going to continue with this blog. I started it back in 2005 as a new start, coinciding with my new found friendship and hence, new found joy. In retrospect, it has become predominantly a documentation of the ups and downs of that friendship. If it were a film, this particular documentary would be complete. There's nothing more to say.

That, of course, means there's never been more to say. But for now, all I can bring myself to say is thank you, God, for Mary's honesty. Thank you for the closure. Thank you for SAVING her, despite what unbearable sacrifices that means I have to accept. You gave me what I wished for, and they always say be careful what you wish for.

Another thing they always say is that when one door closes, another opens. Thank you, God, that for once in my life this has become instantly and undeniably true in the most magnificent way...

It Is Written

2009-10-03T06:54:00.000-04:00

...And in a bizarre turn of events, I am going to Miami.

Like...now.

Not to see Mary though.

I am going to Miami to see Carmit.

I will be seeing Mary, but I am not going to see Mary.

While I still wouldn't put money on which of the two I think I'll see more of, I will say that the severe anxiousness I feel about seeing each of them, neutralizes the severe anxiousness I feel about seeing each of them.

And that's a good thing, right?

I knew something had to give. When there's a drought there's a serious drought, but when it rains, it pours.

I am off to meet my destiny.

Hard

2009-09-23T08:29:00.002-04:00

It's hard to believe that I didn't matter to her.

But it's even harder to believe that I did.

EMMYs

2009-09-20T22:56:00.000-04:00

Yo 30 Rock, I'm really happy for you, Imma let you finish but The Office is one of the best tv shows of all time. ONE OF THE BEST TV SHOWS OF ALL TIME!

Time Loop

2009-09-19T18:59:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I wonder if 2008 actually happened...

VMAs

2009-09-13T23:44:00.001-04:00

I understand why Madonna's speech made me tear up, especially the line about how when you never get to have something, you become obsessed by it.

But then why did Lady Gaga's performance send me into a hysterical crying fit?

And Beyonce, oh Beyonce, bless your heart.

The Concept of Summer

2009-08-28T01:27:00.001-04:00

Summer is a concept, not a season or a series of months. It is the brief but idyllically blissful time of year when the sun shines at its brightest, creating a peak desire to live and feel alive, hearts filled with the joy of doing the things that bring the highest high, with the people you love the most. Every year has a June, July and August, but not every year has a summer. In May of this year, I came to accept that 2009 would most likely not have a summer, and being accepting of and prepared for that has enabled me to survive without a breakdown. Sure, there's been hysterical crying fit upon hysterical crying fit, but not once did they have anything to do with summer wasting away or not being able to enjoy or even have a summer this year. I was already prepared for that; I had already let go. My tears then, are pure and uncomplicated. I simply cry because of what's going on—or not going on.

Buying Happiness

2009-08-15T00:26:00.002-04:00

"...purchasing life experiences often brings someone closer to another person and satisfies a natural human need to be connected to others."

—HealthDay

Summer 2009 Haiku

2009-08-03T00:41:00.001-04:00

I don't mind the rain.
Might have to build an ark soon,
But it hides my tears.

231 Days

2009-07-30T21:52:00.003-04:00

Probably was not a good idea to see 500 Days of Summer while spiraling deeper and deeper into the grief that the past 231 days of distance with Mary I has created, but until Sean suggested we see it, I had never even heard of it. Had I any warning that it might as well be subtitled "My Story of Mary," I would have surely decided against it.

...it's who she is, with me in friendship, with significant others in relationships, and just within herself. It's also, in different but similar ways, "My Story of Anne," but that's not what's hurting right now.

Another Take on Another Kind of Capacity

2009-07-15T20:12:00.000-04:00

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.”

—Khalil Gibrahn

Change of Tone

2009-07-13T22:52:00.002-04:00

Today I caught Lisa saying sweet, loving things about me behind my back. And no, there's no way she could've known I was walking by until she had already said what she said, at which point I purposely turned towards her to acknowledge my presence. It was a moment. A beautiful one.

She still makes me smile, and right now, that's a force to be reckoned with.

A Broken Heart

2009-07-12T01:06:00.003-04:00

There is no limit on my capacity to love the people that I love.

I thought that's how it was for everyone. I thought that when you have someone new in your life, your heart expands to make room for them. Maybe you need to take time away from older, lesser category loves to dedicate to your newer, more world-rocking love, but there is no limit on how much your heart can grow, or how much love you can hold.

I was under the assumption that that's how the fibers of everyone's heartstrings were sewn, but now I'm realizing it's only some of us. There's the majority of us whose hearts expand as new people who become near and dear to us enter our lives. And then there's the few whose heart chambers are immalleable. If a new love needs to be added, older loves need to be removed...

Disposed of...

Left by the curb...

All this time I thought my heart was broken, but then I realized it's actually functioning perfectly.

Hers is the broken one.

Losing Self, Disposing Others

2009-07-10T19:38:00.001-04:00

"Two people becoming one does not mean one person becoming half."

—Cyndi Lauper

Must Be Nice

2009-07-06T20:41:00.004-04:00

Alba had her baby today. Everyone told her it was going to be a boy, but it was a girl. Mommy and baby are doing well. I don't know any details of how long labor was, whether it was natural or c-section, or if she was induced, but even though I can't appreciate wanting children, I can certainly appreciate the joy of preparing and waiting for something for nine months, and then finally having it come into your life.

I wish all things were like having a baby. You know that after waiting a set amount of time, after you go through the pain, you will have what you've been waiting and longing for. You're given a due date, and most likely it won't come right on the due date, but you can be pretty sure that within two weeks before or after said due date, the baby will arrive. If it doesn't, they induce labor, so either way there's a set ending period to the anticipation, where one phase will end and a new one will begin.

Must be nice.

Simply

2009-07-03T19:20:00.002-04:00

Limerence sucks.

The condition of limerence is perfectly manageable, even seemingly dormant when your limerent object is present in your life, but as soon as distance settles in...

Sure, you "choose" to be happy to a large extent. But attributing the ability to do so to 100% of the population 100% of the time is a complete denial of some very real mental, psychological and emotional conditions and disorders of a chemically imbalanced nature.

And denying that is rather insulting.

Out Cold

2009-06-28T16:05:00.002-04:00

I want to say I'm not severely depressed. I want to believe I'm still okay. I haven't had a hysterical crying fit in two weeks, so that's a good sign, right? And I don't feel a dark cloud hovering over my head. I endlessly love spending time with my cat. I can enjoy my favorite songs. I still appreciate having the house to myself. But all day Saturday and Sunday, the only thing I do is sleep—even when I should be more than well-rested.

Yesterday I told myself I was going to do some serious catching up on my journal writing. I even got up early—10am—and sat down at the computer. But after checking Facebook, MySpace and my email, sleepiness came over me and I went back to bed for a few hours. That was understandable. I may have gotten a good eleven hours of sleep, but simply being out of bed before noon on a Saturday has never sat well with me. There's something innately wrong with it, no matter how much sleep I've gotten.

When I got up the second time, I sat down to write, but even though I wasn't tired, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Maybe I wrote a sentence or two, but I just kept refreshing Facebook, MySpace and my email. I guess the deep-down underlying motive was the silly thought "maybe if I check one more time, Mary will have written something to me." There's no reason for me to think this as I haven't sent her anything to start the ball rolling, but I just can't bring myself to concentrate on anything else. Even when I unplugged the internet, it didn't help. I either doodled or just stared into space. Then I told myself "well, I am getting a bit sleepy again. Perhaps I'll be able to get my shit together after another nap." So I gladly took the nap, but had no better luck afterwards. I reached the point where I just figured it was time to give up on making anything of the day and going to sleep for the night, determined to spend the whole day writing tomorrow, but today has been no different than yesterday. Browser refreshing, writing no more than a few sentences, chronic sleeping when I shouldn't even be tired.

I fall right to sleep too. There's no restlessness whatsoever. I'm instantly out cold, almost as soon as I hit the pillow, and on average, I sleep for three hours before waking up. If it weren't for the cats and the children playing [screaming] in the courtyard, it might be even longer. The sun has finally shown its face after a month of rain and overcast clouds. It doesn't even inspire me to be outside. I'm fine being in my bed, with rays of light filtering in through the blinds. I know it's summer, and I know how I am about summer, but first of all, it still doesn't feel warm enough to be considered summer yet, and second, sometimes you just have to chalk one up to the rollercoaster that is life. I had a great one last year. I can't expect to have a great one every year. Just let this one go, and in letting go, things will be easier. The sunshine would usually burn me when the state of my heart does not match the state of the atmosphere, but it doesn't this time. It doesn't because I've already managed to let it go. Instead of being miserable, I can do what I need to do in order to take care of myself in the best way possible. In other words, I can sleep, and feel content in that sleeping. I am probably not well. Not well at all. But at least I am still capable of saying "it was much worse before."

I do wish all the journal entries I am behind on would write themselves, the recyclables would take themselves out, and the pile of clean laundry that's been sitting here for two weeks would put itself away though...

Actually, I Would LIke Fries With That

2009-06-26T18:39:00.004-04:00

James: I'm going to the bar. You want anything?

Me: Thanks, but I'm good. The massive white russian I had more than took care of me for the night.

James: It was only one drink!

Me: Yeah, but they made it twice the size of a normal drink, since it was the two-for-one special.

James: C'mon, get something. It's my treat.

Me: Well, actually, I would really like some french fries.

James: Um...I meant something of an alcoholic nature.

Me: You should be happy I only want fries. They're cheaper. But really, I just want fries.

James: Okay, so another white russian for you then.

*****TEN MINUTES LATER*****

James: I couldn't get your white russian. The bar is out of milk.

Me: I called the bartender and told him to tell you he was out of milk.

James: What else do you want? Amaretto maybe? Malibu?

Me: How about french fries?

James: Why are you making this so complicated?

R.I.P. M.J.

2009-06-25T22:59:00.001-04:00

"God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

—1 Samuel 16:7

Something Not About Mary

2009-06-24T22:42:00.002-04:00

My face appears fifteen years younger than my actual age, yet my hair appears fifteen years older.

Bleeding

2009-06-22T19:11:00.004-04:00

Healing is a process.

Right now I feel that not only am I damaged and hurting personally, but our friendship is damaged and hurting as well. Whether Mary feels anything whatsoever is yet to be seen, but neither me nor the friendship have begun to heal yet, because we are still bleeding. That's where I am right now. I am bleeding. If the wound is severe enough, then yes, the bleeding can be life threatening and needs to be stopped immediately. But most of the time, you just need to bleed; you need to let it run its course. You can't heal until the bleeding stops, and my bleeding isn't going to stop until Mary starts applying band aids.

So I bleed.

For now, this is just how it is and I accept it. As I said before, I am embracing my sadness. I'm letting it exist. I'm alive, at least. I'm fully and entirely alive. I'm coping, and that's important. I'm writing the most devastatingly inspired entries, crying my heart out, and sleeping like a dead person—I'm taking care of myself the best I can. As long as I continue to bleed, it assures me that my heart is still beating.

The Heart of the Storm

2009-06-21T23:56:00.002-04:00

If you never put down your umbrella while it's raining, it will block your view of the rainbow.

—Me

Venting, Mending

2009-06-20T15:12:00.002-04:00

"That's not unreasonable or overly emotional on your part at all. You find out about the lives of your less close friends through social networking sites, not your best friend."

—Allison

"If you feel the need to talk to her and tell her how you've been hurting, there's nothing at all wrong with that. You're not being selfish because you need to tell her that. Don't worry about her feeling guilty. If she feels guilty, it's because she should! Why should she be allowed to let you hurt for all these months, and then not feel any hurt at all for what she's putting you through? Why should you be so concerned about her feelings when she doesn't appear to be the least bit concerned about yours?"

—Sam: Mary's friend since 1998, mine since 2007

Embracing Sadness

2009-06-17T22:09:00.000-04:00

Sadness is natural and real and should not be drowned out, pushed aside or lured away by unnatural or premature means.

—Me

Silence Screams

2009-06-16T23:28:00.001-04:00

"The heart suffers a lot, not because of violence of other people, but because of silence of dear ones."

—Anonymous

Dragonfly

2009-06-15T22:12:00.001-04:00

My animal totem is the dragonfly.

Now don't get me wrong, I haven't gone out seeking some form of new age philosophy to give life meaning, but when something finds me on its own, I will give it the attention it deserves. And I noticed lately what's been finding me on their own are dragonflies. It began with the Dragonfly movie I sat alone in my hotel room in Miami watching, as I bawled my eyes out one night in 2006. That in itself was easily forgettable, until a dragonfly showed up in my hotel room in Miami last November. I named her Phyllis. Phyllis didn't live long, but she was loyal, and refused to leave me. She kept me company the few times that Mary didn't. I couldn't help but think that her presence was somehow related to the movie I had watched there two years earlier.

Then last week or the week before, I was having a particularly hard morning, followed by a particularly hard night. (Crying fits, burning eyes, bleeding heart at its worst etc.) On my work from the subway to work, I was praying, asking God to reunite us; asking God to bring her back to me; asking God to heal me. And then out of nowhere, a dragonfly swooped down and flew right past me—in the middle of New York friggin City, a dragonfly. I figured it had to mean something, and that's when I began researching their meaning, which also led to my discovery of the concept of animal totems altogether.

Since then, seemingly when I've needed hope the most, God has reminded me of His glorious presence. One day while walking down the street I looked into a store window to see a dragonfly shirt hanging there. And one night while bawling my eyes out in the living room, (it's been nice having the house to myself so that I can cry in different places), I turned on the stained glass lamp only to realize what I had never realized before: the glass is not simply a geometric pattern, there are actually dragonflies in the design. Then there is the dragonfly dish towel I just so happen to have, and the little magnet from Miami with fluttery wings that I keep on the metal lamp by my bed. Cats are by far my favorite animal and recently I've been obsessed with peacock feathers, but the dragonflies are here and they're here for a reason.

I've been doing a lot of research on the symbolism of dragonflies now, and much of it points to change. When Phyllis came into my life, she was ever so clearly depicting the beautiful change that was present within my friendship with Mary, regarding my 2006 "trip" to Miami, versus my 2008 visit. But now? Change is not always a good thing, and even when the end result is good, the journey back to goodness is often very anguishing. Dragonflies though, are about the changes of positive transformations, depth of thought, hope, love and light. And I believe that despite what I'm struggling through now, the future holds a joy greater than I've ever before known, if only I can keep believing it; if only I don't stop envisioning it. The dragonflies are here to make sure I don't forget that.

I may have moments where I forget, but bawling my eyes out and typing up countless heart-wrenching verses of sorrow and misery are not doing me in. They are helping me get through. They are helping me embrace the emotion I'm currently facing, release that emotion, and prepare to eventually heal and move on. Overall, allowing myself to cope allows myself to hope. I wholeheartedly believe in that, despite what the "thinking positive" advocates may advise. For me, bawling is positive and venting is positive. When you have a bad day at work, then sure, it might be in your best interest to just forget about it and think of something that makes you smile or laugh instead. But when your best friend removes herself from your life with reckless abandon, it's quite a different story.

Speaking of stories, I found the most amazing and beautiful story here:

Once in a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads, there lived a little water beetle in a community of water beetles. They lived a comfortable life in the pond with few disturbances and interruptions. Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of the fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and would never be seen again. They knew when this happened, their friend was dead, gone forever.

Then, one day, this little water beetle felt an irresistible urge to climb up that stem. However, he was determined that he would not leave forever. He would come back and tell his friends what he had found at the top. When he reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the surface of the lily pad, he was so tired, and the sun felt so warm, that he decided he must take a nap. As he slept, his body changed and when he woke up, he had turned into a beautiful blue tailed dragonfly with broad wings and a slender body designed for flying. So, fly he did! And, as he soared he saw the beauty of a whole new world and a far superior way of life to what he had ever known existed.

Then he remembered his beetle friends and how they were thinking by now he was dead. He wanted to go back to tell them, and explain to them that he was now more alive than he had ever been before. His life had been fulfilled rather than ended.

But, his new body would not go down into the water. He could not get back to tell his friends the good news. Then he understood that their time would come, when they too would know what he now knew. So, he raised his wings and flew off into his joyous new life!

Mary is happy now. She is happier than she ever knew possible. Why won't she share that with me? I was not miserable; was not going to drag her down. I am miserable now because her absence has dragged me down, so she can't be the dragonfly unable to reach me until I too climb out of the water. I thought I was already out of the water, but now I'm pushed back in.

It is a beautiful and inspiring story, yet a confusing one. It gives me the greatest hope, yet in the back of my mind I have to wonder if our paths will ever cross again once we're both airborne...

Upside

2009-06-14T18:38:00.004-04:00

Last winter I attempted to start working out again, but the lack of both externally visible and internally perceived results over the course of a month, led me to stop working out again. I think I lost two pounds at most, and didn't look or feel any better.

I haven't made any conscious effort to trim down or tone up since—and in fact, just downed a very comforting entire pint of Häagen-Dazs Caramel Cone ice cream in a twenty-four hour time period—yet I recently realized my body looks and feels better than ever.

Conclusion: Depression is the most bona fide weight loss method around. While a better body is not worth the anguish and thus, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone, it certainly does have its upside!

The Root of the Solution

2009-06-13T15:24:00.003-04:00

I read something somewhere that summed it all up:

"It doesn't take a good day to make me happy., but rather, being happy makes a good day."

I was happy last year. I was wholeheartedly, soulfully, overflowing with happy. Shit still happened. Work could get unbearable at times, uncomfortable situations arise, hurtful incidents occur, overwhelming burdens loom... But none of these things had any significant power over me because at heart, I was happy. I had her friendship alive in my life, and even if things around me were sucking, overall my heart was filled with joy. Even a day that wasn't so great was still a good day.

Things are different now. The happiness foundation has been ripped out from beneath my feet. I can still have relatively "good" days, but now that means maybe I didn't have a hysterical crying fit, or maybe I took comfort in not having to leave the house. Good days now are about peace. No matter how many good days there are though, they aren't going to make me happy. Happiness comes from the human bond of loving and being loved in return. When you have that with someone special to you, then you have everything.

But when you lose that...

The Root of the Problem

2009-06-12T20:17:00.002-04:00

Never invest more into a friendship than you would be willing to invest if you had a significant other in your life.

—Me

Withering

2009-06-11T22:09:00.001-04:00

I'm being treated like the family dog after the new baby arrives...except I'm not even getting fed.

Cold But Credible

2009-06-10T07:45:00.001-04:00

People who allow themselves to completely disappear from their friends' radar when they're in a new relationship. are either immaturely ungrounded in their personal sense of self, or just too self-absorbed to be deserving of said relationship.

Recipe for Disaster

2009-06-09T16:54:00.004-04:00

Our friendship currently amounts to little bits of NOTHING, sandwiched between huge slabs of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL.

Having and Being

2009-06-08T20:16:00.000-04:00

There is a huge difference between having a friend and being a friend.

(There is an even greater difference between the two when the person in question is a best friend.)

Whispered Through Tears

2009-06-07T11:58:00.000-04:00

It just hurts.

Everywhere.

So much.

Status

2009-06-06T14:12:00.000-04:00

The one thing I've been feeling I could hold on to, provided that I had the strength to endure the wait, is that the honeymoon phase is not going to last forever. As soon as the bubble bursts, she'll begin to care again about the other people in her life, and pick up the fucking phone or send a fucking email. The return of her friendship surely won't happen until then, but as sure as taxes and death, when the bubble bursts it will happen.

I sit here cursing as if I'm a hard ass, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. I tear up at the prospect of that day finally arriving, with each painful tear filled with the most comforting faith and hopefulness.

And then her status update tells me this:

"Mary has just decided to stay on her honeymoon for the rest of her life!!!!!"

And even though I know fully well that staying on the honeymoon is never someone's simple "decision," and the bubble will burst and the imperfections will surface, I can't help but envision the inevitable result if her status update indeed became a reality, and that is not something that's in my best interest to envision...

How?

2009-06-05T20:19:00.001-04:00

How can she do this to me?

How can she do this to me for so long?

How can she think I'm not absolutely falling apart?

How can she be so entirely unaware?

If she is aware, how can she do this to me, week after week and month after month, if she cares about me in the least?

How can she live with herself?

How can she not miss the friendship?

How?

How can she expect me to be okay?

How am I supposed to get through the one year anniversary of her three weeks in New York with my heart feeling as far as it possibly could from how it did back then?

How long is this going to continue going on for?

How do I breathe?

Annihilation

2009-06-04T07:17:00.003-04:00

One year ago today, I had just left to go to the airport and pick up what ushered in the greatest period of joy of my entire life. Coincidentally, those three weeks were not just joyful. They resulted in bringing our friendship closer than ever—which was determined by Mary saying this in writing, not just me feeling it. But now I sit here on this anniversary with nothing but a twisted ankle, an infected toe, the remnants of a job I once enjoyed surrounded by people who are no longer there, and a fucked up menstrual cycle that doesn't seem to want to fully begin or fully end.

I am not well. I have not been this unwell in a very long time. The anniversary is particularly rough with things as they are. It's not just about how she was here and I was so entirely over the moon a year ago at this time. I honestly didn't expect her to come visit for such a long period of time ever again. I also never expected for things to stay as absolutely blissful as they were for the majority of last year. But I never expected this; I never expected such a long and severe period of heart-annihilating distance. I felt secure that after last June, this could no longer happen.

I remember it shot up into the sunny, beautiful 90s a year ago. The weather was quite fitting, but it is now as well. Gloomy, overcast, rainy and only 57 degrees. At least I feel at one with the atmosphere. That makes it slightly easier; slightly less noticeable. It's one less thing to burn me.

Mangled Beauty

2009-06-03T08:27:00.001-04:00

It's eating alive the inside of my heart, leaving it mutilated in raw, infected agony. It's reached the point where words can no longer assist me in expressing what I feel. I've been thinking about creating some sort of a graphic (pun intended), or visual image of a butchered, neglected, lacerated heart that would say what I can't. I started playing around with it though, and every attempt at mangled somehow ended up beautiful. This hasn't exactly aided the situation, but it did make me think...

This Time

2009-06-02T21:54:00.005-04:00

I don't know what to think this time, as the tears stream down my cheeks every night when I get home, having survived another day. She has issues. That's been established. And sometimes she has issues revolving around how venting about the negative can worsen things. I don't agree, but I accept.

The last time around, I was faced with the excruciating agony of how not only did she go through phases of not sharing the negative, but now she's stopped sharing the most positive of the positive! She was head over heels crazy about THE BOYFRIEND, but wouldn't share a single detail of her joy and excitement with me. That broke my heart in ways it had never been broken before, yet on some level I thought I understood. I know Mary. I know her well. And it was quite likely that she was so desperate for the relationship to work, that she feared speaking about it in any significant detail whatsoever—whether sharing the good or the bad—would make it fall apart. Well it fell apart anyway, so she can't use our friendship as a scapegoat. She can't blame me.

She also can't be thinking the same thing this time. She did her little experiment and ultimately, the results show that not sharing every little bit of bliss with me by no means prevents things from falling apart. It can then be concluded that sharing with me is not a precursor to downfall. So what then? What the fuck is it? WHY ISN'T SHE ABSOLUTELY DYING TO FILL ME IN ON EVERY DETAIL REGARDING THE MOST JOYOUS JOY OF HER LIFE?!

By ruling things out, the only conclusion I'm left with this time is that I just don't matter anymore. She just doesn't care.

A Fucking Story

2009-05-31T22:51:00.004-04:00

I feel like no one's ever there for me. I'm scared and alone...and in pain. I'm crying because of the pain, but fortunately the physical pain is not unbearably severe, however it concerns me that it is more severe today than it was yesterday when it happened.

I told Allison I was going to be late. She asked how late, because she didn't want to be standing around waiting for me. I told her I'd be there at about 1:30 instead of 1:15, and I'd text her when I was leaving. I texted her as promised, but still left slightly later than I needed to in order to get to our meeting place by 1:30, so when I was making my way out of Penn Station, I did something stupid to save time. I noticed I was going up the wrong escalator, and since there was no one behind me, I tried to climb down it, instead of going all the way up and then all the way back down again. It was only three steps at that point, but those things go faster than you think, and I ended up losing my balance as I tried to jump off. I didn't fall, but I stumbled enough to hurt my right ankle pretty badly. At first I was afraid I had twisted or sprained it, but the pain began to diminish by the time I reached the correct escalator, and became almost unnoticeable as I was walked gently to our meeting place. It was 1:37, so I was only seven minutes late.

Allison, however, was nowhere to be found. I noticed I had a voice mail from her, and at 1:24, she said she was just leaving the Bronx. WTF? She had supposedly been ready to leave when I told her I was going to be late, and now she didn't leave until after me? And on top of that, couldn't she have called and told me not to leave when I texted her and told her I was leaving? Because if she was just leaving at 1:24, that means she wouldn't get there until after 2:00, and maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't want to be standing around waiting either? On top of that, we were keeping someone else waiting as well, someone who was sitting at a PATH station waiting for us in Jersey. But whatever. I called the third party to apologize, and got a Dunkin' Donuts iced caramel latte from across the street while I waited a full half hour.

She showed up at 2:09. I wasn't going to ask her why she was delayed, because I felt that would be rude, but she immediately told me with a grin that she was fucking her ex-boyfriend. Yes, this would be the ex-boyfriend who she had an extremely dramatic and violent break up with, but even if that weren't an issue, fucking him was obviously more important than not making me wait half a fucking hour for her. I fucked up my ankle just so she wouldn't have to wait for me, yet I had to wait half a fucking hour for her, because she was fucking her ex-boyfriend.

I laughed it off at the time, and honestly I was somewhat amused. It would make a good scene in a movie. I may not be able to handle it if you stop sharing your life with me for six months, but I generally am very unaffected by things like waiting for people, even after knowing the disgusting and very thoughtless reason why I was waiting.

But now that my foot is starting to act up, I'm starting to worry. I'm starting to get angry. I'm starting to cry. Who's going to be there for me if I have to go to the doctor? Who's going to accept my irrational phobia and let me cry in their arms? Nobody. You know why? Because everyone is too busy fucking their boyfriends to give a fuck about anyone or anything other than fucking their boyfriends.

No Way!

2009-05-30T11:46:00.000-04:00

So I went to this here, and it told me this here:

Where All Roads Lead

2009-05-29T07:18:00.004-04:00

This has been going on since December. There's been brief stints of it seeming like we were getting back on track, but all the tracks stopped short. It's been a full six months. That's half a year of this shit. That's longer than ever.

It usually takes so much less time for me to hit rock bottom; to go off the deep end...

But I have now, I guess. Or at least I am about to. The frequent hysterical crying fits that have recently started up, and the constant need to "write about my feelings," are clear signs. But to my credit, this is by far the longest I've ever lasted without completely falling to pieces.

Is that progress? Should I feel accomplished because I lasted a whole six fucking months? Or will it not count for shit because I still went off the edge in the end anyway?

In Perspective

2009-05-28T23:11:00.002-04:00

MySpace friend placement issues are petty and immature and as "mature" well adjusted (ha) adults, we tell ourselves it really doesn't matter. Usually, it doesn't. But if it really didn't matter, she wouldn't have moved me to number two in the first place. Hurting me wouldn't have been worth giving someone else what they really don't need because they already have her...but as it turns out, hurting me was worth that.

I know Mary didn't mean to hurt me and she probably even debated whether it would or not. I don't fault her for her decision because even I wouldn't have figured it would hurt me as badly as it does, but the thing is, it does. I'm already weak. I'm already suffering. Why must you strike me when I'm already down?

I never even saw it coming. There were many times when I had actually expected to be demoted to second place, some during periods of ultimate closeness, and others when she was distancing herself. I simply accepted that I would always be second fiddle to men, and if there was one in her life that she really fancied, then it was only to be expected. Had this been one of those periods of closeness, I would have been disappointed, but the hurt would have been minimal. I would have simply sighed "oh well." She probably would have warned me about it beforehand too, easing the pain even more. And had this at least been THE BOYFRIEND who it appeared she had just gotten back together with, then that would have been extremely hurtful, but not nervous breakdown-worthy. But as I sat there shaking, unable to function, all I could think was "Who the fuck is this guy? It's not THE BOYFRIEND! What happened to THE BOYFRIEND? At least if it were THE BOYFRIEND it'd make sense! I still wouldn't be immune to the pain, but it wouldn't have come like a thief in the night! I wouldn't have had to find out that there is someone completely new in her life through social networking sites!"

Not that I found out about THE BOYFRIEND much differently, but at least I knew there was a possibility of something between them happening, at least I knew she considered him as "potential," at least I knew who he was, and at least she called me and told me a few days after they entered into "in a relationship" status. Speaking of which, I immediately went to check her Facebook relationship status, and sure enough, it suddenly said "in a relationship" once again. Mere minutes after I discovered all of this, the photos showed up, tagged from his Facebook page, and soon afterwards, the mushy, cutesey, extremely out of character for Mary "I love you's" going back and forth between them. I'm sorry to say, but it made me sick on so many different levels. I've cried for her pain in the past. I've wanted nothing more than for her to be happy. I've prayed for her. I've put her needs and desires before my own—and by staying away and not acting needy, I'm putting her needs ahead of mine on a constant basis. But when I have to find out about the mere existence of someone who seems like my best friend's most significant other ever through fucking social networking sites, on top of experiencing my clear loss of ultimate significance to said person in terms of number one friend, then I'm not going to fucking kill myself to cough up "I'm happy she's happy." What effort and what love has she invested in me lately? I can only give so much. I'm not saying I'm upset that she's happy, but I feel like she's being selfish by completely neglecting me, so I'm going to be selfish too. Fuck it. Fuck her. Fuck it all.

How it happened really put the severity of the distance between us into a very sad perspective for me. Social networking sites are for keeping friends, family and acquaintances who you are not extremely close to up to date with your life, so when all of this is coming to me via social networking sites, how the fuck am I supposed to feel? And one time, when all was well of course, she actually told me she would never remove me from being her number one friend on MySpace. I was so profoundly touched by that. It meant more to me than I could ever express. It gave me so much confidence in how much she cherished me. Even then though, I never committed her to it in my heart. I know how she gets when she is really into someone, and if a serious boyfriend became her number one, I told myself I would never hold it against her. It would be understandable and acceptable. I'll admit, when she was with THE BOYFRIEND, I was checking frequently to see if he'd replace me. He never did, and despite the pain coming at me from all other directions, at least there was that. Just when you think you're safe, everything comes crashing down in a much more debilitating way than you could have ever imagined. It came without any warning, during a time when I feel there's a massive sea of distance present, and when I don't consider us significantly in touch, so I was already feeling like the one thing I had in this world was that fucking title of her number one friend on MySpace, but THEN SHE TOOK THAT AWAY FROM ME TOO! It left me with nothing other than profound shock and hurt. I had already adjusted—and by "adjusted," I do not mean I was okay emotionally, I simply understood how things were—to the lack her her active friendship in my life, so now she's telling me I can't even have something of such little significance either?

Things of little significance take on great significance when you have nothing of considerable significance.

I was never number one on her old profile. I was always number two, and it bothered me a little, but only when I was fearing she was coming closer to someone other than me. Most of the time, I never needed the number one spot. Annette needed it at the time and aside from a few bouts of fear and weakness, I was happy to let her have it. Strangely enough, Mary and I weren't quite as close then as we are now, and she never publicly called me her "best friend," yet I knew I had her friendship. That's all that mattered. But now while I know in theory I still have her friendship, I actually don't know that anymore. I don't even know who she is anymore, and she doesn't know me either! There's been a handful of major things in my life going on over the past few months and she couldn't name any of them. Yeah, sure, I could've emailed her about them as they occurred, but just like she has issues with not sharing things at times, I have issues with not sharing things with someone who isn't equally sharing with me. I think we have both grown to accept and respect this in each other. And I'm not challenging that. I think it's wonderful that we can accept and respect those differences. We've grown a lot as individuals and as friends. But growth does not mean idealism or perfection when things get so far out of hand, and it does guarantee immunity to hurt. Sometimes a person is barely hanging on by a thread, and the slightest bit of pressure can make that thread break.

That's what this was to me. My thread broke and I went crashing to the ground.

Happy Pills

2009-05-27T21:08:00.003-04:00

Her friendship is my medication. It keeps me happy and healthy. It keeps me ALIVE.

For a while, the refills kept coming and coming.

But then they stopped.

If I'm not given a refill on my prescription when I run out, then it's breakdown time. I ran out quite a while ago. I tried the generic brand, but I simply don't respond to it, so essentially, I'm going without.

Draw your own conclusions.

Too Much of Nothing

2009-05-26T22:57:00.004-04:00

Whomever says you can never love too much is full of shit.

If I didn't love her too much, then saying it wouldn't make my tears gush like rapids.

If I didn't love her too much, then I wouldn't be so profoundly affected by her lack of active friendship. If any of my other friends (who I love, but not too much), don't share certain things with me, don't update me on what's going on with them, don't respond to my emails, don't ask how I am, or don't talk to me for long periods of time, I'll more than likely notice, but there's never any significant impact on my heart. It's a matter of "whatever."

But with Mary...I love her too much. She matters too much to me. The capacity of which I need her active presence in my life, in order for me to achieve a state of well being, is way out of balance with what she is currently capable of giving, willing to give, and needing or wanting in return. It's called fuckin' limerence. My heart malfunctions like that, so sue me. I love her too much. None of this is an issue when things are fine, but that's mainly because when things are fine, her giving, her willingness to give, and what she needs and wants from me in return are precisely on par with what I need to have and want to give back. So when things get this far out of control—and she pulls this far away from me—my needs versus hers becomes an issue. I have an outbreak. I love her too much.

But she wouldn't consider the situation an "issue" this time around though. She knows I'm not content, but she has no idea how discontented I am. I've managed to downplay my anguish more than ever, and keep my mouth shut for longer than ever. Why? How?

Because I love her too much.

Li'l Soapbox

2009-05-25T23:14:00.001-04:00

I did not do any in-depth research here, nor do I intend or desire to. And I have never been for or against Mel Gibson as a person. I never saw Passion of the Christ, so I can't even comment on whether or not I feel he portrayed Jews negatively in the film, as some claim he did. He may have. He may not have. That's why I won't take a side.

But now reports just came out saying that not only did the very vocally Catholic Gibson file for divorce a few weeks back, (or his wife did, and they've been separated for three years), but Mel has a girlfriend and said girlfriend is knocked up.

Now pardon me, but since when did it become acceptable in the church for devout Catholics to have sex with partners they're not married to?

I really don't mean to judge here. Nobody is perfect. People fall. It's human nature. But the thing is, if he proclaims himself as so devoutly Catholic, then don't go on the Tonight Show, announcing that your girlfriend is in her second trimester, and not address the fact that you fucked up. It makes it sound like you're not even remorseful, which makes Catholics sound like fucking hypocrites, and thus, gives us a bad name. To his credit, he did blame himself for what went wrong in his marriage, but to my knowledge, mentioned nothing of a soulistic nature. I know it's not easy to say on national television "I sinned against God," but he certainly had no problem proclaiming "I'm Catholic and I'm so devout that I'm funding my own church" a few years back. And I'm sorry, but if you're one of the few entertainment industry figures who is supposedly representing my belief system, either don't act like you're holier than thou, or don't fuck it up without admitting remorse of a Christian—rather than just social—nature. Okay, buddy?

Just sayin.'

We now return to my regularly scheduled emotional lamentations.

Selfish Much?

2009-05-23T21:55:00.003-04:00

The way she's been conducting herself lately not only screams how she is the type of girl who has no time or need for closeness with friends when she has a man in her life, but it is such that it makes warming up to the guy in question an extreme challenge, given that her relationship-induced distance with me inevitably positions him as the ultimate catalyst of my loss and devastation.

Death Sentence

2009-05-22T17:40:00.001-04:00

The more I try not to suffocate someone I love, the more I suffocate myself.

Contradictory Consolation

2009-05-20T23:03:00.003-04:00

"Never restrict your heart felt Love... the world needs to feel YOU!"

—Christel

She has kind of consoled me with those beautiful words, even though life continues to prove, time and time again, that restrictions on my heart-felt love are mandatory.

I need to cry like a baby in somebody's arms.

Here We Go Again

2009-05-14T07:52:00.001-04:00

As much as my heart has been painfully aching for her friendship lately, I suppose it's a good thing that Mary and I never talked about her breaking up with The Boyfriend, or started talking again once they broke up. Last week I started seeing little signs that he was no longer completely out of the picture: things like her little sister constantly making references to him on Facebook and commenting on visiting him again, and Mary sending an email to certain close friends, with him being on the list. And now, just now, I woke up to find her status update proclaiming that she "has finally spoken the big 4 letter word."

At least she's fully back in somebody's life...

Where The Heart Is

2009-05-10T23:24:00.004-04:00

Allison and I have been talking a lot since she left—and when I mean left, I don't mean got layed off. I mean since she left New York. After getting layed off, she proceeded to have a massive breakup with her live-in boyfriend, and then skip town, to stay with her parents for an undetermined amount of time. She's returning this week and I'm happy, but I don't really feel that I miss her all that much anymore. We're so in touch, that I've been okay not seeing her. In fact, not to sound cold or anything, but I'm actually starting to get bored with her. I do love her phone calls, and I do treasure her friendship, but all of a sudden I've begun feeling like she's a replacement part that isn't working.

It's nothing about her personally. It's really just me. We're on the phone almost daily, and there's enough texts to send my bill through the roof. She's been going on and on and on about this guy who she decided to "officially" date, and it was interesting at first, but now I just zone out after a while. Then I catch myself, and I realize I would give anything to be zoning out on Mary—except I wouldn't zone out on Mary because having a similar conversation with her right now would never be taken for granted. It's Mary who should be on the phone almost daily and texting up a storm with me; it's Mary who should be telling me all the things Allison is telling me; it's Mary who should be rambling to me about a guy.

But she's not.

And that saddens me.

As I said, Allison is probably one of my dearest and most treasured friends, and her friendship sincerely brings me enjoyment and happiness, but it's a different category than Mary entirely. By no fault of hers whatsoever, her ability to take my mind off Mary not being there, or fill the void Mary created, was a short-lived thing of the past. Also by no fault of Allison's, she has unfortunately become a reminder. I'm not saying I'm proud of this, but I think I've started becoming slightly bitter that someone who is not my best friend is being such a good friend, while someone who is, hasn't had a decent conversation with me since December.

My heart's not budging though. It probably should, but it isn't.

A Reason to Smile

2009-05-07T08:15:00.002-04:00

"This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

—Psalms 118: 24

Disfigured Circles

2009-04-29T22:49:00.005-04:00

And so, it has come full circle.

Just as I found out via Facebook that Mary was in a relationship with the boyfriend, without ever being told they were courting, I have now found out via Facebook that it is over, without ever being told they were having problems. The new (less useful) version of Facebook no longer advertises things like changes in relationship status, but after seeing her quotes "sometimes love just isn't enough" and "things aren't always what they seem," I went to look at her relationship status, and sure enough it suddenly said "single.". After seeing that, I did some research and discovered that she and the boyfriend had de-friended each other both on Facebook and on MySpace, so whatever went wrong must've been pretty serious, at least in the eyes of one of them.

I'd be lying if I said I thought this would last, but that doesn't mean I didn't want it to. In fact, I actually cried when I found out. I cried because he seemed to represent one final hope to her, and I can't sand the thought of her losing her final hope, or feeling like she's not good enough. I love her so much, and I don't want her heart to be hurting, even if it means mine has to hurt instead. And I wanted her to reunite with me because she wanted me sharing in her life with her again, not because he was no longer in it. If she would have tried to share a little, I would have opened my heart up to him a lot. That's how I wanted her back in my life. Not like this. I never wanted her to be hurting.

I hope she isn't. Maybe she simply got bored with him. She seems okay via the brief emails and even more brief phone calls (or rather, one brief phone call) we've had, but my knowledge of the situation has not been granted expansion. In fact, it has now been over two weeks, and if it weren't for Facebook, I still wouldn't know anything at all.

So has it really come full circle?

I always said in the event that the boyfriend ended up being a fairly short-lived relationship which amounted to nothing more than a phase, her complete lack of sharing with me would just become water under the bridge in the end. I still feel that way and I'm even okay having all breakup stories and details kept from me along with everything else regarding him, but for things to come full circle, don't we need to end up back where we started as if the in-between never happened? Because nothing has fallen back into place. She isn't sharing. She isn't calling. She isn't rambling.

We still aren't in touch.

On The Edge

2009-04-24T22:39:00.001-04:00

I feel like I live on the edge of society, but on a different, completely isolated edge, than the people on the edge of society live on.

A Must Read

2009-04-17T19:47:00.003-04:00

From Here

Outsource This

2009-04-13T12:33:00.001-04:00

It is plainly evident that I have lost my job, and yet somehow I have managed to remain employed.

Joy of the Resurrection

2009-04-12T11:06:00.000-04:00

"Even though we don't speak every day and give each other updates, she is my best friend and always will be."
—Mary

The above was a caption she just added to a photo of us which she borrowed from my page, tagged me in, and is suddenly using as her profile photo.

For all the painful tears she causes me, she just caused me a river of the most overflowing joyful tears, more powerful and abundant than any I have ever cried.

She gets it. She does care. She gets me. And while she doesn't know this, it couldn't have come at a more needed time.

The Passion and Death

2009-04-10T19:08:00.003-04:00

It has come to pass.

This was certainly a solemn day of sorrow and reflection, and a Holy Week of slaughter and termination.

They killed off my family this week. Told them on Monday that Friday would be their last day, and they were not required to come in at all for the rest of the week if they didn't want to. They did though. Most of them did because they had too much to save and pack up, or were afraid their absence might jeopardize their final week's pay. So they came in late and left early, or skipped a day here and there. The office was a wasteland. It will be forever hereafter

Company-wide, there were sixty casualties. It was such a big deal that it got business media coverage, however the head of the company tried to save face by telling the press "about forty." About forty my ass. This is what happens when you're owned by bankers. You have to meet the numbers no matter what you need to do to accomplish that. A bad economy is no excuse for not meeting the numbers when you're owned by bankers.

Fuck bankers.

I've lost everything now. I still have my job, but it isn't my job anymore. I still have my crush, although virtually no way of ever attending an outing with her again. And I have Alba until the baby pops out of her in about two months. But that's it. There were only seven cuts in the New York office, but six of them were from my half of the company, and two from my immediate department, slicing it in half. The Bog is no more, and sadly, that is kind of a relief. The careless mistakes his lack of motivation caused were becoming more and more of a burden on me, and it made my blood boil when I had fifty things to do and he had nothing, but our boss would insist I do additional assignments because he's too slow and/or doesn't do as nice a job. But losing our photo editor? You've got to be fucking kidding me. Not only do we love her, but...are you fucking kidding me? Then they killed off one reporter, the head of our special supplements division who has been there almost as many years as I've been on this earth, and a web coder.

And they killed off Allison.

This is where it gets nasty. She knew she would be the next to go for quite some time. She knew Evil Boss was just waiting for the day. Evil Boss hated her because she's not a kiss ass. And I mean hated. Evil Boss hates anyone who stands up for themselves, and Allison certainly did. Of course the hatred was mutual, but if we're being professional, that's no reason to put someone on the chopping block. But as seen in the past, if Evil Boss finds someone hard to work with, she WILL find a way to get rid of them. It was certainly not her choice to make any of these cuts. She was probably given a headcount and some basic instructions. Maybe a few definites, and the rest was up to her. But when that's the case, how professional is it to keep the one who has been there a year less, fucks everything up on a regular basis, doesn't have a journalism background, has received complaints from everyone she has to work with, has been either on probation or close to it twice in the course of a year, and who you've stated countless times that you wanted to get rid of, simply because there is someone else you hate on a personal level? I'm not saying it's any surprise whatsoever, but Evil Boss loves me...and she is punishing me by this more than anyone else.

I can't imagine the hell of taking on all the photo crap without our photo editor there, but it will be nothing compared to trying to get through my days without Allison.

And the victims were actually not taking it badly at all. It was probably one big sigh of relief for all of them, at least in one sense. I know it was for Allison, and I certainly don't blame her. The Bog stated it best.: This must've been what Hiroshima was like. The aftermath was going to be so dreadful that the survivors were wishing they were dead too.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

How is it even possible to do all the work with the staff cut in half, and only two of us left in art? Let's just say that I have spent the majority of the week writing a detailed essay on "how to do my job," so that while Alba and I begin spending our days doing administrative photo work and then uploading the photos onto the ftp, the lovely people in India can do our job and lay out the magazines. This is what it has come to. This is where it's going. We were told only the bi-weekly magazine was going to be done that way, and we would still be laying out the monthly one, but when I noticed the production schedule for the monthly magazine on the ftp as well, I determined that to be bullshit.

And let's face it, they're not going to keep two skilled people in house to do administrative work and load shit onto an ftp, when first off it could be done by one person, and second, an intern—or anyone off the street—could to it. Our days are numbered. Press releases have made it clear that our company is making the switch to a digital rather than print focus, and what exists as print is clearly going to start being outsourced to India where they can get skilled workers for sinfully cheap wages, and yet we're going to have to sit through a stupid meeting on Wednesday, where we're told not to worry and how there won't be any more layoffs. Right, like we've never heard that one before...

But I'm not concerned about getting layed off. I'm concerned about how I'm going to survive until I do. How are we supposed to feel as we hand off everything about our job that we enjoy to some outsourcers in India, while we sit here doing tedious frustrating bullshit? That's why I'm being as detailed as possible with this "how to do my job" essay. I want them to get up to speed as quickly as possible, so I won't have to suffer a slow and painful death. And fuck, if you're going to lay me off, do it in May or June so I can have my summer free! Do it in September and I'll be out of my fucking mind. It would be the greatest insult they could ever do to me. I'm actually afraid that might happen though, because Alba's pregnancy might be screwing things up. I mean they can't lay someone off who is about to go on maternity leave, without severe legal complications. And it is unlikely that they could survive with no one in art while she's gone all summer. I suppose they could cut me and then ask me to freelance, like they did to the art director in the other division. That way I could at least be partially free. But either way, my job performance is going to start making a downward spiral from now on. Jim said on The Office the other night, "I've always subscribed to the idea that if you really want to impress your boss, you go in there, and you do mediocre work, half-heartedly." Obviously that worked wonders for The Bog all these years. For the record, Jim also said of Kevin's new phone assignment, "How do I say this diplomatically? I think Kevin is doing exactly as well as anyone might have expected someone like him to perform in a position like that." That pretty much sums up everything we ever assigned to The Bog as well, but I think I'd rather have to deal with all his shit than the shit we are in for now.

And emotionally, there will be nothing to take my mind off how bad things are. Conversations between The Bog and our photo editor had us in hysterics all day, and every time Allison dropped by it was an added bonus. But now? And when I make it through another day and finally get home? No one's going to call me and there's no one I can call; there's no one I can talk to. Every night will be like tonight, just me, a sweet little black kitty, and a dark room. No one knows. No one will. No one wants to. On Monday I told Mary I had had a sad day. It was in a random email responding to something else. She never even asked me why my day was sad, so I never told her any of this. I guess she doesn't really care. This morning I came to work only to find out Allison had decided not to come in at all today, allowing for no goodbyes, no closure, and an unstoppable crying spell caused by not being prepared for such a shock, but I'm figuring she wouldn't care to know about that either.

Stimulus Plan?

2009-04-06T22:23:00.001-04:00

I just went shopping for a sweater and came home with a swimsuit.

Kenneth Cole Reaction. Fit perfectly. Mostly black with some blue and pink trim. My body didn't look [overly] repulsive in it. Top and bottom together would have gone for $108 retail, but I paid $29.98 for both.

My only complaint is that boyshort bottoms are out, so since I can't find any that I like out of the extremely limited number available, I gave in and went with the "swim skirt." It's really disappointing because I look so cute in the boyshorts. Not that I don't look cute in the skirt, but it's just not the same. I am also afraid it will make me seem prudish or altogether uncool, but if I were to put the protruding lard that is my thighs into a regular bikini bottom, the same people who are going to think I'm prudish or uncool, would have me arrested by the fashion police for unsightly thigh display.

But the boyshorts have been out for years and I've been keeping my eyes open for years, and let's face it, this was the best all-around deal I was going to get. I'm very happy with my purchase.

After I purchased it though, I was walking home and suddenly began wondering why I bought it. What in the world do I need a new swimsuit for? Yeah, I know I've had the same one for six years, but I've only had reason to wear it three times in those six years. Do I think I'm going to suddenly have a life or something, given all that's going on—or not going on—regarding Mary?

Do I actually think my life is going to continue after this, or do I think buying it is going to create a reason to need it?

Wondering What's Next

2009-04-04T15:59:00.004-04:00

I haven't written about Mary in a while—I mean really written about Mary—but that doesn't mean I've had nothing to say. It's just reached the point where I have so much to say, and yet, no way of saying it. I feel like words are failing me. I feel things that when I try to express them, they just come out like something I've already said a million times over. A lot of it does consist of repeat, rehashed emotions, but there's an entirely new level as well. It's that new level which I find so hard to tap into and express, and coincidentally, so hard to cope with.

The last time I mentioned anything regarding the state of things between us, she was at least calling me. Well, that was just a phase she was going through. In itself it doesn't feel like all too huge of a loss, because for the most part, they were "empty" phone calls, composed of all words and no emotion. But still, they were nice. At least they existed. At least they provided a potential doorway to get things back on track. At least they gave me a bit more knowledge about what's going on in her life than her Facebook status updates do. And at least, on occasion, she would share something that made me feel like I was still as special to her as any time when I felt most special to her.

I remember I was on a bus one day when she called. I was going shoe shopping, and she told me she "had to read me something." My heart fluttered with joy. It had been an eternity since I last heard those words, and hearing them again made me see a flicker of light at the end of the tunnel. As far as what she read to me, no, it wasn't a letter to the boyfriend or anything deeply meaningful like that. It was simply a message she was sending to an obsessive "fan" on MySpace, whose comments were becoming rather inappropriate. I had told her before that I thought the guy knew her and there was some inside joke, but she told me she's never even met him. In the message, she wrote "my best friend thought I personally knew you," referring to our previous discussion. But wait. Did you hear that? She called me her best friend! I know it's not the first time she's ever referred to me as such, but it never gets old, especially when I have reason to wonder if she'll ever say it again. I actually teared up, right there on the bus. That is how much such a small thing meant to me. It's so rare that she uses the term regardless, but the fact that she used it amidst all of this distance...well, the only words I can use to express the magnitude it meant to me is saying that I teared up. There simply are no words. It shocked me in the most magnificent and joyful way to realize that even though the distance, neglect and lack of sharing are severely destructive to my degree well being, they are not as destructive to our friendship as I had originally assumed. I am still her best friend. I honestly didn't know that. Not that I feared another girlfriend had taken my place this time, but I really thought she no longer had a need for a best friend—because she certainly hasn't been acting like she does—and therefore, I must no longer be that to her. Sometimes it's really nice to be wrong.

Another time we had been emailing about LA during the day, and I told her I'd call her to discuss as soon as I got home from work. When I did, she seemed to be in a daze, and for a moment, I was really wishing I hadn't called. Then she just started rambling. She was in Orlando and the boyfriend had literally just walked out of the room in the midst of a significant "disagreement." She vented about the disagreement. It wasn't really a fight, but they were unhappily at odds regarding certain things, and would need further discussion to sort it out. He would need to compromise if sorting it out would be possible. He would need to listen to and accept her view. Not that she isn't willing to compromise in general, but there's just certain little things where she can't. I actually applauded her. I didn't tell her that because I really couldn't get a word in, but I was proud of her for not turning into a completely helpless mush, just to make sure this relationship works, like I thought she had. I was glad to see she was standing her ground. If that's the case, maybe I could get to like this guy after all...if they got past this, that is.

She also told me how when she arrived back in Orlando after not seeing him for three weeks, things felt different to her. They had had an amazing phone and email relationship, but she felt they were in different places when she was reunited with him again. It just wasn't the same—her heart wasn't the same. She said he had framed a headshot she gave him during her previous visit, and that actually made her feel awkward. I listened to every word lovingly and without offering my thoughts.

I guess she just needed someone to turn to with all of that, and I happened to call at precisely the right time. Or was it the wrong time? As blissed as I was that she was finally talking to me like she always had in the past, I was also somewhat bitter. I was upset that her sharing with me depended upon my calling at the perfect time. It's as if she no longer has people she longs to share with, but rather, people who are invited to share with her because they happen to be there the moment she needs to share. That in itself makes me feel so distant from her. We are so completely at odds in that sense, and I wonder how I can feel close to someone with that perspective. The truth is, I can't—or at least not when you define feeling close to someone as feeling close enough to want to share your own thoughts and feelings with them... It's not that I don't feel close to her in my heart, but she's become a stranger to me in so many ways.

In addition to this, I was angry that all of a sudden she started pouring her heart out about this relationship several months into it, as if I had all the background information that I SO don't have, and will surely never be given. I'm pretty sure she has no idea she's shared as little with me as she has, but I'm sure beyond all possible doubt that she is well aware she's not sharing nearly as much as in the past. I felt so out of the loop when she started telling me all this, and acting as if I knew things I didn't know, that in some ways I actually wanted her to stop. I was thinking "Don't tell me this now! You've gone so long not telling me anything about this guy, so just keep it that way. Then when it ends, it can just be one of those things that I knew nothing about, but it doesn't matter that I knew nothing about it, because it's all in the past and has no impact on who you are in the present." That's how I've grown to cope with her phases of lack of sharing. The car accident is one perfect example. Sure, it hurt me that she didn't need or want to talk to me about it, but Mary is Mary. I love her and I accept that. And it's just one thing. It doesn't affect her currently, and it won't affect who she is in the future. There is so much else of much greater significance for her to share with me, so I can let it go. I think that, in itself, is a healthy way for me to adjust my attitude in dealing with our different perspectives. But when you have something that has undeniably developed into something that is in the present and will have an impact on who she is in the future, and by default, is of huge significance, then it becomes more complicated for me. If I can't know everything, then I'm not sure I want to know anything. I'm very fatalistic like that. That one's not such a healthy attitude, but I am who I am as well. Of course, no matter what, I wanted more than anything to be there for her, but the downward spiral of our connectedness has put me through so much over the past few months, that her sudden act of sharing threw my acquired ability to cope with the current status quo into chaos. When someone is severely deprived of something and then they suddenly get it, good as it may be, that's what happens. Healing takes time, and whether or not that was just a tease or the real deal, was yet to be seen.

I don't want her to hurt. I don't want things to keep not working out for her. But selfishly, I want to be a wanted and needed contributor to her well being, just like she is to mine. I don't expect to be nearly as crucial to her as she is to me, but unless I am completely out of touch with social norms, emotional sharing between close friends seems like a pretty standard expectation. I've been frightened into thinking I don't have the right to talk about it, but I can't be frightened into thinking that it's wrong to hurt over what's hurting me. I honestly think I just want what's normal, especially when you consider how we've shared in the past. But that being said, what about the boyfriend? Is he hurting me just by his mere existence? I said I want her to be happy, so since he seems to be doing that, even if I don't believe it's for reasons that will stand the test of time, shouldn't I love the guy? If I truly, wholeheartedly, sincerely put her happiness over everything else, then wouldn't it mean putting it ahead of my own happiness too?

Yeah, it would.

I guess I'm a selfish bitch then. I guess I "don't like him" because he is why I have lost her. It is certainly not his fault, because it was her choice to stop sharing with me, not his. Also doesn't help that he's a senior member of an "organization" that walks a very thin line between brotherhood and cult, and which every major Christian church strongly warns against, but that is neither here nor there. (Actually it is, but it's way too much of a tangent to get into at the moment.) Anyway, had he not existed, she would have had no reason to stop sharing. I mean she might have. The car accident might have been the catalyst for the downfall regardless. But as hard as I try to not feel this way, I can't help but resent being pushed away. I resent both of them for it. How can I warm up to someone who is being deliberately kept away from me? I hate that I feel that way, but y'know what, there's plenty of guys who DIDN'T make me feel this way. I didn't resent them because Mary thrived off of sharing so much with me regarding them. She shared her joy, and none of those even lasted. So now this one is supposed to be the most perfect, profound joy of all, and yet, she doesn't feel the least bit compelled to share that with her best friend. How the fuck is that supposed to make me feel? Alienated? Like I'm unwelcomed? Like I'm unneeded? Like she no longer cares? Like I no longer matter? Like she doesn't want to be close to me anymore? Like she can't be bothered? Like she no longer wants to hear stories about what makes my heart sing or cry anymore either? Like if and when I finally find someone, I should keep all the emotions about it to myself? Like shit? The only correct answer is all of the above.

She was clearly questioning her own feelings though. She was away for three weeks and then it didn't feel the same. Of course I never said this to her, but that's typical Mary. She gets bored. She's so used to struggle, that if there is no struggle, she gets bored. That and their disagreement were the first specks of reality that differ from the usual tone of Mary's Facebook status updates, and it got me thinking that I would have her back soon, and would finally be able to let go of the past few months of pain, given that the past would be past.

Except it's not.

She obviously got over any boredom. They obviously worked out their differences. (Her phone calls have obviously stopped.)

Disturbia

2009-03-29T17:17:00.003-04:00

No more gas, in the red, can't even get it started,
Nothing heard, nothing said, can't even speak about it,
On my life, on my head, don't wanna think about it,
Feels like I'm going insane...

As Ellen said in the AmEx commercial with Beyonce, "Why do we have to have people? Why can't one person just call one person?"

I gotta get out or figure this shit out. It's too close for comfort. My mind's in disturbia.

I Just Wasn't That Into It

2009-03-26T00:29:00.003-04:00

My friend Sean is cool. He's into chick flicks, or more specifically, into any movie that Scarlett Johansson is in, and usually these turn out to be chick flicks. We saw Nanny Diaries last year by his suggestion, and it ended up being pretty good. Last night, also by his suggestion, we saw He's Just Not That Into You. I had an invested interest in this one because I had originally suggested it to Mary, and we had tentatively planned to see it together, but then she ended up seeing it on opening day with her sister, loving it so much that she added it to her list of favorite movies, and yet, never mentioning a word about it to me. ('Cuz that's just how it is now.) No, I really wasn't hurt that she saw it without me—I mean had we scheduled our LA trip for any time in the past month, then it would have hurt—but as it is, we weren't going to see each other and I never expected her to wait until it comes out on video. What hurt was adding it to the list of "safe" non-relationship-related things that you'd think we could talk about, but that we still don't talk about.

Then again, I'm not quite convinced it was either "safe" or "non-relationship-related."

I can't even begin to go into the storyline. There were several, all somehow intertwined, all involving a girl chasing a guy in some way or another, whether they were married, shacking up, or had simply met at a bar, on MySpace, or at the grocery store. It was interesting enough in the beginning, but after two hours of it, I became slightly nauseous. In simplest terms, the movie made light of countless scenarios women go through during "the chase", emphasizing "how guys are" versus "how women are," and I guess women across the country loved it because it bonded them through the common experiences that they all share—or at least that all straight women share. I'm certainly not saying there's no bullshit or drama in the lesbian world, but when you're not dealing with men, you're not dealing with the same type of shit, end of story. Maybe that's why I felt completely and utterly alienated during the entire movie, I thought it dragged on way too much, I never even came close to shedding a single tear, and I left the theater wondering more than ever how the fucking fuck girls can feel any sort of an emotional connection to men in the first place.

“We are all programmed to believe that if a guy acts like a total jerk, that means he likes you,” the movie proclaimed, explaining how that's what our parents told us when we were little and a boy was mean to us. True, we were all told that, but I certainly never embraced it! Girls don't act that way, hence, I liked girls. I'm not saying that was a rational thought pattern, as I don't believe your sexuality is a choice, but if it were a choice, then why on earth would anyone choose to like such silly, senseless creatures?

I was also quite bothered by the unaddressed degree of settling going on. Several characters would immediately go after someone who they weren't really into but who they knew was into them, as soon as the person they were into made it clear that they were not interested. I'm sure that's an unfortunately realistic occurrence in the world of dating, whether gay or straight, and that's precisely why I refuse to involve myself in the world of dating.

That being said, I am not claiming that all relationships formed when one party is rebounding from someone else are insincere, or that someone's eyes can't be suddenly opened to someone who was there all along, but when A) you are already well aware that they like you and yet you continue pursuing other options, and B) you give in to them immediately following the point at which you realize all other options have gone awry, it is pretty unlikely that your feelings are based on pure attracted interest. I'm pretty sure I would be crucified for saying this since I've never been in a real relationship, but that shit ain't love. That ain't true attraction either. In most cases I'd dare to say it's wanting something, taking the best you can get, and trying to make it work. Are they trying to tell me that's what most relationships amount to these days?

I am by far no relationship expert, but I am familiar with a somewhat famous piece of advice which states that for a relationship to truly work on all levels, both partners must be whole individuals prior to entering into the relationship,. Then they engage in the relationship not because their happiness and fulfillment depend upon it, but because their happiness and fulfillment is deepened by it. When I see someone "seeing if something can work" after what they wanted crashed and burned, I find it hard to believe their happiness and fulfillment doesn't depend upon being in a relationship or at least on the path to being in a relationship. I'll be the first to tell you I'm quite a piece of work myself, but no matter how lonely, inadequate, rejected and left behind I might feel in life, I could never bring myself to commit to something for the something, rather than for the someone. This may be the cause of my complete lack of a relationship history, but it is also the cause of the purity of heart which I have to be proud of, and which I have to offer. Sometimes what you haven't experienced can provide worlds more wisdom and depth than what you have.

I don't find myself feeling sparks very often, and when I do, chances are it's not going to be mutual. (I'm a lesbian who tends to only be attracted to straight chicks, so whaddya expect.) But I do have faith, and I am willing to wait. I don't feel I have a choice, because to me, settling is not a choice. I simply can't do it. My heart won't let me. I also feel a comforting sense of overwhelming confidence that when I do find her, she will not simply be the first of many or even the first of several. The first will be The One. My journey may be severely uneventful, but I simply won't have to go through "the ones that don't work out" like most others do. I truly believe this. Everyone's path is different though, and this is mine. "The ones that don't work out" are necessary on others' paths I guess, so I understand the purpose of ill-fated relationships consisting of at least one partner being in it for the wrong reasons. Sometimes you have to dig deeply and go through fool's gold before you find the real gold, and other times, you just have to keep searching far and wide, until you find your gold without digging at all. Fine, I get that. But what I am opposed to then, is the standard of suddenly feeling sparks for someone you were never before interested in, that He's Just Not That Into You seemed to silently glorify. I get it, it happens—but I can't find any enjoyment in seeing it pounded into my head over and over again.

Not only is it unenjoyable, but the sheer constancy of it made me write this long entry on a movie that I don't even find memorable in a good way. If this was supposed to be a "feel good" movie, then why was I left feeling bad? At one point the lead male, who was being a friend and assisting the lead female in "understanding how men think and behave," told her that there was actually no such thing as sparks. It was just a concept men fabricated as an excuse for their shitty behavior because women love drama. WTF?! His example was how a guy could not call and then when a woman confronts him on it, he could just tell her that what she thought were "sparks," were actually just her intensified emotions reacting to him not calling, and she'd actually buy it. He said sparks were bullshit, and that's where I had to tune out. He was obviously going more for the mind games factor, and not actually proving at all that sparks don't exist, but still. To say that sparks don't exist is like saying I feel the same for any of my friends as I do for Lisa. That is the most asinine thing I've ever heard, (as well as being a perfect example of why guys are full of shit and I feel no emotional connection to them whatsoever.)

I know, once again, what the fuck do I know, but I will say this: the lack of experience can open your heart and mind in ways that experience blinds you. Besides, you don't have to be in a relationship to know what you feel. You don't have to be in a relationship to know the difference between having feelings for someone and simply loving someone as a friend. Fuckin' sparks, dude, fuckin' sparks. And it doesn't take forever to recognize those sparks either. You might not always meet someone and feel something immediately, but after any amount of extended contact, I'm always aware whether we connect or whether we don't; whether there's sparks within me or whether there aren't. Either it's there or it's not. It's not going to grow on you just because you start trying to make those sparks develop by dating the person; and you're not going to start feeling something if you give yourself enough of a chance, just because it would work out great since the other person feels something for you. I am not saying "never," because everyone is different and anything is possible, but come on, if you completely platonically stay at a guy's house for a week, constantly talking to and hanging out with him, you find out he's into you but you don't feel the same and you continue chasing the ones you are into, then six months later you hear he lost weight at about the same time your other prospects all fall through, if you then feel the weight loss gives him potential and you therefore decide to "see where this could go," I find it extremely hard to believe your love is genuine or your sparks are sincere.

Call it "infatuation," call it "excited attraction," or call it "heart-fluttering bliss," but it's all sparks, and they're real and they're necessary. Yes, necessary for the relationship to work in the long-run. Naturally there are many other crucial factors like compatibility, but if one party feels no genuine sparks, but they're trying to "make it work" because either they want to be in a relationship no matter what, or they think maybe in time they'll start feeling something, or they see their mate as someone who is everything they've ever wanted and hence, they shouldn't pass the person by on account of the lack of sparks, or they just like the status or the fucking or the circumstance the person provides them with, then how can such a void beginning create a solid and genuinely happy future? As a rule, I don't think it can, and you don't need to be in a relationship to see the common sense in that. You just need to have a conscious heart. Sure there are exceptions to the rule, but I would hate to see someone I care about following in the footsteps of the characters in the movie...

Blocking

2009-03-19T23:52:00.003-04:00

It's been quite some time since I had to feel this way.

I honestly didn't think I would have to feel this way ever again.

But here we are.

I really hate having to say this. I hate it for so many reasons. I don't want to be the immature freak who is more than half-way through her 30s, and can't handle something as petty as the fact that someone has blocked her on Facebook, but I really can't handle the fact that someone has blocked me on Facebook.

If it weren't who it was, it wouldn't be such a big deal. I really wouldn't care one way or another if most people blocked me. But this is Anne. And that means that what this is goes much, much deeper than the world of social networking.

That being said, I am already unblocked, but the fact that it happened at all does not sit well with me. I was blocked only from seeing her status updates, but given the fact that I treasure those in ways I can't even begin to explain, no other kind of blockage could be more excruciating. When the updates stopped coming, I figured she was away. Then when I saw other updates about applications she was using, I figured it was either a glitch, or that for some strange reason, she decided to shut the fuck up. One night I decided to message her, asking why she stopped updating her status. Now if she had actually stopped updating her status, she would have told me why. And if it were a glitch, she would have asked me what in the world I was talking about. She did neither. In fact, she did not respond to me at all. This made me suspicious, and when I'm suspicious, I do research. Let's just say when you have friends who are also friends with the person in question, it is pretty darn easy to get information about someone else's account. And sure enough, this "glitch" hadn't affected anyone else! She was rolling out her status updates as frequently as ever. I just wasn't seeing them. I still gave her the benefit of the doubt, because even that could have been a glitch, but when I suddenly started seeing her updates again, a mere 24 hours after sending her that message, it was just too, too coincidental.

She blocked me. And yeah, great, I'm unblocked now, but the point is, she blocked me.

I can't handle that.

I can't handle wondering why.

Sure, I often comment on her status updates, but so do other people. She loves comments! They feed her! And sure, sometimes what I say might be either a little risque, or a little "messing with her," but everyone else comments in the same manner as I do. Why am I so different? Why was I singled out? Aren't we way over the whole "you had long-lasting feelings for me and I decided mine disappeared for you so it makes me uncomfortable" phase? It blows my mind thinking that might be it, because we were so, SO over that, and there's absolutely nothing recently that could have made her think it's still an issue. I haven't even seen her since August, and when I did, she was the one instigating both the verbal and physical affection!

I checked my old comments on her status updates, and she hadn't deleted any of them. You'd think that if they bothered her, she would have hit delete. Furthermore, a friend would politely tell you that something bothered them, rather than just blocking you, wouldn't they? The obvious answer is "but it's Anne we're talking about," however I really thought we were way past the stage of her acting like that. It's sad. It's disturbing. And it's humiliating. I'm at a loss for words. Shit like this was part of our olden days, not the present. I don't want to return to that place. It damn near killed me. I can't fathom why in the world we're returning there...so then WHY ARE WE RETURNING THERE?

Did she actually think I wouldn't notice?

The saddest thing is, the comfort is gone for me now. I have to wonder what I did or said. I won't be able to avoid being suspicious or paranoid. I know I don't have to sink to her level and play her games, but I feel like I'm unwanted, and the hurt of that shuts me down. I'm not going to comment on her status updates any longer, no matter how badly I want to. I feel like she doesn't want to hear anything I have to say. That might be an exaggeration, but what am I supposed to think? The fact that she addressed absolutely nothing assures me that she has something to hide. My heart is damaged, and so are my self-esteem and my confidence in our friendship.

We had come so far. We were in such a healthy place...

Joy and Hope

2009-03-15T02:31:00.005-04:00

I am by no means a scholar, nor do I find myself impassioned by social or political agendas.

But at the risk of sounding like a hypocrite in regards to the moral conduct I choose to align my life with, I must say that in the process of "googling around" the other day, when I learned that the Pope and the Vatican are opposing a UN declaration against homosexuality being considered a crime punishable by anything from imprisonment to death, I was absolutely appalled. I understand that their argument is based on the pretense that showing any kind of acceptance of homosexual behavior will build social tolerance, and the more social tolerance there is for homosexuality, then the more danger there is in regard to desensitizing ourselves to sin, but as far as I am concerned, that is no argument whatsoever. When the dignity, respect and even the lives of people in foreign lands are at stake, and the church I belong to opposes a measure that will help restore the rightly deserved dignity and respect to every human being, it makes me ashamed to say I am Catholic.

I understand the two sides. I really do. But it is the Bible itself that teaches us to show love to all, and to treat our neighbor as ourselves. Jesus did not shun the worst sinners out of fear that being seen with them would desensitize society to their sins. Instead, he ate with them, walked with them, talked with them, shared with them. He loved them and treated them as he treated everyone, with dignity and respect. It seems like somewhere along the way, that basic principle of Christianity is getting lost in translation.

Sadly, I don't wonder why society in general often looks scornfully upon Christians. It's unfortunate, but we've brought it upon ourselves. Certainly not everyone has, but enough so that it has made a significant mark in forming others' impressions of "how Christians are." Yes, we are asked to evangelize. Yes, we are asked to speak up about morality. And yes, we have the right to do so. But has presenting something in a righteous, superior, unrelenting way ever gotten anyone anywhere? No, it hasn't. Doing so only turns one's religious agenda into a political one, and the church and state are separated for a reason. You have to wonder if certain individuals who fight against the "gay agenda" really care about the salvation of those committing the sin, or if it's more about their own personal biases.

Another topic on my mind lately has been the controversy over California's Proposition 8. I know as a Christian, I am supposed to be against same-sex marriage, but you know what? Taking all issues into consideration, I can't be. I am anti-sin, but pro-equality. Do I believe God favors same-sex sexual unions? No, I don't. I've been praying about it ever since I realized I was gay, and the answer echos loud and clear in my soul: engaging in homosexual sex indeed offends God, but simply being gay does not. He did make us this way. You can't tell me that it is a choice when I look back upon my youth and clearly recall incidents of "interest" in females—and none in males—ever since I was a toddler, long before sexual feelings ever developed in adolescence. But I don't use that to rationalize an "excuse" to conduct myself in accordance with how God naturally oriented me. Instead, I am called to celibacy, as I believe all gays and lesbians are—and for that matter, all single people as well. That is the choice, but I don't expect others to make the same choice I've made. It takes a sincere conviction, and even some who do have a sincere conviction have prayed about it and found different answers than I have. I refuse to judge. I'll leave that to God and simply pray that each and every person's heart attains true sincerity. As for those who don't [yet] have sincere convictions, it's easy for me to understand why I am one of so few who attempts sexual discipline. First of all, we live in a society where sex is simply expected in any romantic relationship. Most people never think twice about it. And when you have Christians fighting fervently against gay marriage, gays in the military, gays adopting, and anyone and anything gay whatsoever, yet almost never making an issue about other sexual behaviors that offend God according to our beliefs, then obviously it is going to label Christians as "anti-gay." Why would anyone ever be inspired to convert their lifestyle when the conversion message is coming from a group that seems so unlovingly biased against them? Sometimes you have to go backwards before you can go forwards; move farther away before you can come closer. And at the end of the day, freedom implies that one particular path is not right for everyone. I think that before even thinking about preaching the gospel, we need to show love and acceptance, and one of the best ways to do that is to say "you have rights just like anyone else. You can marry. You can adopt children. You can serve in the military. You deserve every bit of equality, respect and dignity that every other person on this planet deserves." It might be a hard concept for some Christians to become comfortable with, but we live in a modern society where everyone deserves certain freedoms and inalienable human rights, as long as they don't harm the rights of anyone else. Whether we believe that allowing those rights harms their and potentially others' souls or not, has nothing to do with the question of having such equal freedoms in a country that separates church and state. According to the Bible, adultry and fornication harm peoples' souls too, but no one's trying to make those illegal, so the prejudice is clearly not consistent. That proves it so evidently is a prejudice, and a highly disturbing one at that. It needs to stop. Everyone is an equal citizen, and everyone deserves equal rights. We need to say that, we need to show that, and we need to mean that. The rest, in time, will follow as God wills it.

Disallowing gay marriage is not going to prevent anyone from committing certain sins anyway. If two people who love each other want to get married and can't, they're not going to say "Well, we are offending God by having sex, so we should convert our lives and live in celibacy from now on since we can't marry legally." Sometimes it seems as if Christians act like simply preventing the legalization of marriage actually saves people. Preventing the legalization of abortion may save some, because it complicates obtaining the abortion and I'm sure some mothers end up not committing the deadly act they would have otherwise committed, while the natural right to life of some babies is saved in the process, but preventing marriage does nothing other than denying a legal and social status that makes people feel equal. Again, I do understand the dangers of a rapidly growing social desensitization to sin, but when it comes to matters of such vital significance to each and every person's human integrity, you've just got to find a way to work around that. Work with the people you supposedly care about helping and saving, not against them! Being an example of Christian values is much more powerful—and much more effective—than preaching and fighting. And if we prayed for guidance, I'm sure God would lead us on a path of loving wisdom, but has anyone even tried that instead of judging and revolting?

I have. As I said earlier, I am no scholar. I don't claim to have answers or any sort of a concrete plan of action. But God did lead me to certain documents written by popes of the past, which have supposedly been taken as doctrine by the Vatican ever since. There are plenty of Bible verses I could quote as well, but sometimes a more modern definition of the faith is more impactful. One such publication is the "Gaudium et Spes," which very appropriately translates into "Joy and Hope." I have to admit I didn't read all of it, but to quote some of what I did read:

There is a growing awareness of the exalted dignity proper to the human person, since he stands above all things, and his rights and duties are universal and inviolable. Therefore, there must be made available to all men everything necessary for leading a life truly human, such as food, clothing, and shelter; the right to choose a state of life freely and to found a family, the right to education, to employment, to a good reputation, to respect, to appropriate information, to activity in accord with the upright norm of one's own conscience, to protection of privacy and rightful freedom. even in matters religious...

Respect and love ought to be extended also to those who think or act differently than we do in social, political and even religious matters. In fact, the more deeply we come to understand their ways of thinking through such courtesy and love, the more easily will we be able to enter into dialogue with them.

This love and good will, to be sure, must in no way render us indifferent to truth and goodness. Indeed love itself impels the disciples of Christ to speak the saving truth to all men. But it is necessary to distinguish between error, which always merits repudiation, and the person in error, who never loses the dignity of being a person even when he is flawed by false or inadequate religious notions. God alone is the judge and searcher of hearts, for that reason He forbids us to make judgments about the internal guilt of anyone...

Although the Church has contributed much to the development of culture, experience shows that, for circumstantial reasons, it is sometimes difficult to harmonize culture with Christian teaching. These difficulties do not necessarily harm the life of faith, rather they can stimulate the mind to a deeper and more accurate understanding of the faith. The recent studies and findings of science, history and philosophy raise new questions which effect life and which demand new theological investigations. Furthermore, theologians, within the requirements and methods proper to theology, are invited to seek continually for more suitable ways of communicating doctrine to the men of their times; for the deposit of Faith or the truths are one thing and the manner in which they are enunciated, in the same meaning and understanding, is another. In pastoral care, sufficient use must be made not only of theological principles, but also of the findings of the secular sciences, especially of psychology and sociology, so that the faithful may be brought to a more adequate and mature life of faith.

These quotes summarize the joyful and hopeful spirit of this document, which should summarize the joyful and hopeful attitude of the Christian family. I did read a good portion of the piece, and the theme was really about human rights, equality and loving acceptance. It encouraged us to indeed take into consideration the issues of the times, but with a sensitivity and awareness of each individual. If the above was being predominantly adhered to, I don't think there would be as much bitterness, as much anti- this and anti- that, as much rebellion against those whose beliefs are different from our own, or as much finger pointing.There would simply be more love and acceptance, which is the foundation of respect and equality. This is what my church is supposed to stand for, and it's beautiful! But unfortunately, this is not what my church or the Christian community as a whole stands for in the present day. Why are we so concerned with changing others, yet we refuse to recognize that we're the ones who need to change first? We are all in this together. We need to start acting like it.

Changing Priorities

2009-03-12T22:42:00.002-04:00

And so last night, I hiked out to Long Island to see Britney's Circus tour, with my Dolls opening, of course. General admission was not as bad as I had anticipated—in fact, when you are in the front row of general admission, and you are blessed enough to be on the east end where everyone exists the stage from, it is virtually as good as the ridiculously expensive vip tickets. The show was a great production, Brit Brit was a true entertainer—I don't need live singing to be entertained—and the only thing I felt was lacking, other than Carmit, was perhaps Oops I Did it Again, Break the Ice and maybe Unusual You. All around, it was well worth the money, and even the effort of going all the way out there on a week night, as I am getting quite lazy in my old age. That being said, Madonna was there in the audience, a mere 20 feet from me when she ducked out right before the encore. Seeing her was an awesome dosage of extra bliss at an already amazing event. But instead of thinking "Oh my God, it's Madonna!" my first thought was "She's my neighbor. It would be SO much easier if I could just hitch a ride with her and not have to deal with taking the Long Island Railroad in the wee hours of the morning..."

Life Motto

2009-03-09T06:41:00.000-04:00

"Having realistic expectations is about looking at what is—not what you'd like to be—and using that information to shape and mold a positive, yet honest expectation for change."

—Self Magazine

The Last Word

2009-03-08T23:29:00.003-04:00

I was going to write about the series finale of The L Word, but since it left my eyes completely dry and my heart disconnected from most characters and rather void of emotion, I have nothing to say. The first hour of cast interviews and series recapping was a truly powerful tearjerker that I will never forget though. And now that she's smiling and laughing more, Tasha really reminds me of Allison.

Predictability

2009-03-01T03:12:00.002-05:00

I do so very much love how when your favorite member leaves a chart-topping pop group, they become so much more interactive and accessible.

Just sayin'...

All It Is

2009-02-28T13:19:00.002-05:00

Was on the phone with Mary yesterday. She called me at work. Needed me to log into her email and find a phone number for something. She hasn't asked me to do this in a while, but in the past, I've done it quite frequently for her. Whether it be now or then, I love it. It makes me feel trusted and worth something to her. At least there's that.

She calls me now. I even call her. We're in touch. We email. We poke on Facebook. Sometimes we even Superpoke. We chat. We communicate.

But not once have we talked.

As yesterday's call came to a close, she said "Later tonight we have to catch up." I was, for a second, absolutely illuminated with joy. I haven't heard those words in over a month and a half, and I really didn't think I'd be hearing them again until this phase of her life was far behind her. But then she added "Oh wait, no, actually you already got me up to date on the LA stuff yesterday. Never mind then."

And of course, she never called.

What I Hate

2009-02-24T22:45:00.002-05:00

Me: I hate Ellen! Why does she have to put the stupid Jonas Brothers on before Mel B?! Now I'm going to miss her because I have to catch my train.

Dad: Yeah, I hate Ellen too.

Me: You do? Why?

Dad: Because her sexual practices are hideous and abnormal.

Me: And that's a reason to hate a person?

Dad: It absolutely is.

In the Palm of His Hand

2009-02-22T20:33:00.003-05:00

"God's dream is for you to say 'who would've thought 2009 would be my best year?' God has all kinds of ways to bring your dreams to pass that you've never even thought of. God is going to bring somebody great across your path! He knows what you need and how to get it to you. You may have seen victories in your past, but what God wants to do in your future is going to supersede anything you've ever seen before. If you go out every day believing that God has good things in store for you this year, then you're going to see God show up and show out in amazing ways. In the coming days you're going to see explosive blessings, supernatural connections, and the inner dreams and desires of your heart!"

—Joel Osteen

One Sixth...

2009-02-21T20:23:00.000-05:00

So I am watching this movie on IFC, and the 30-something woman admitted to the guy that over the course of her lifetime, she's slept with thirteen men. He was shocked and appalled and called her a whore. I found that rather amusing...and rather validating.

How am I Supposed to Breathe With No Air?

2009-02-17T21:56:00.003-05:00

My candle burns at both ends,
It will not last the night,
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends,
It gives a lovely light!

—Edna St. Vincent Millay

That's the poem someone posted in response to Mary's latest Facebook update. I might be interpreting it incorrectly, as I tend to do that, but it doesn't seem very...supportive. Why a friend would congratulate her, and yet quote something that implies "you're excited now but it won't last," is beyond me. Maybe he just interprets it differently, but I don't see how. Throwing that at her is just not something a friend would do. It's certainly not something I would do. However, if someone were to ask me if it was something I thought was right on the money, I would be lying if I said I didn't.

"Mary is listed as in a relationship," Facebook said to me when I logged on yesterday. I was so shocked that I literally began to shake, and could no longer manage to hold my laptop up on the windowsill to access the neighbor's wifi signal. (Visiting the 'rents for the holiday weekend.) I have to admit that ever since I found out she had run up to Orlando after getting back from Puerto Rico, I checked her relationship status in fear every day, but I never actually thought this would happen. I thought she was just in a rut which she hadn't been able to fully pull herself out of, and for her own well being, desperately needed to not be sitting home alone for Valentine's Day. That's typical Mary.

The guy's name is Michael, and he's a friend of a friend of hers. She actually stayed at his house last summer when she was attending an acting workshop in Orlando—and also trying to woo the guy she had been obsessed with when she was visiting me last June. Then last December when she attempted to give this guy another chance, she stayed at Michael's house again. I remember her telling me before she went, right before she stopped talking to me, that if he screwed up again, which he probably would, there's always Michael. This kind of took me by surprise, as she had never before uttered the slightest bit of interest in Michael. He was a good friend who was good to talk to, but it never went beyond that. "Really, you're interested in him? I asked her. "No, but he's always been interested in me, so all I have to do is make the move," she replied. "And he says he lost weight now, so there might be potential. I always felt it was too bad I didn't like him like that, because he'd be the perfect guy, other than the fact that he's a bit overweight."

Sadly, that's typical Mary right now as well.

The extent of my knowledge about her and this guy barely goes beyond the above, which is why this is so incredibly uncomfortable for me. I know he's in his early 30s (like Alex). I know he's well off and owns his own business (like Alex.) And I know what he looks like, (which is uncannily like Alex.) Dare I say "typical Mary" again?

I also know he's not a player (very unlike Alex), or at least that's how he's presented himself to Mary. So having not been told a single wonderful thing about him beyond the generalization of him being "perfect," I am left to assume that he's all the things she liked about Alex, but without all the things she didn't. An unflawed Alex, if you will. And with another status update boasting about how he treats her like a princess, I think it's pretty safe to assume I'm right—whether she realizes that yet or not.

She called me around 6:00 pm yesterday, but I let it go to voice mail. I wasn't ready to deal with our first conversation in almost a month, especially knowing what she was going to tell me. I wasn't ready to deal with that. I wasn't ready for that to be our first conversation. She left a message and I liked how she handled it: "Hi, it's Mary, from Miami. Remember me? Call me when you have a chance," she said, clearly addressing her disappearance. That was it, no mention of Michael. I was too uncomfortable to call her back, but I emailed her later saying I couldn't call because I was at my parents' house and had too weak a cell signal. She responded this afternoon, and in her response, added a "P.S. I have a boyfriend now.....the guy from Orlando. He asked me out Feb.15th so that's our anniversary.....God willing, we'll get there :-)" I had been so angry and hurt that she hadn't told me a thing, and thoughts of how this was never going to work with him were running rampant through my head. But when I read her words and saw her smiley, my heart melted. She wants this. She wants this so badly. And I love her. I want her to get what she wants. I want her to be happy. I don't want her to be "done" again, just because that would be the easiest way for us to get back to normal, because if she's done, she'll be devastated. This isn't about me or about us, and that is what I most need to deal with. I love her dearly and I don't want her to be devastated just so I'll stop feeling neglected, unneeded and pushed away. I love her. I so, SO love her.

And yes, I'll deal. Yes, I wish her the utmost best in this and I'm happy that she's on cloud nine, but that doesn't mean things can just spring right back to normal between us like they did last time. I was easy on her last time. I figured I missed her friendship so much and even though I had been excluded from a chapter of her life, that chapter wasn't a significant one. I had grown accustomed to the "lost chapters." I came to accept the events and stretches of time I'll never have knowledge of. Fine. Whatever. But when those unshared events consist of all the stages of formulating and solidifying a courtship until it evolves into an official relationship, THAT is quite a different story. It's something which reaches way beyond the norm, and way beyond the realm of what I can healthily deal with.

We did finally speak on the phone just now, but of course she was at her sister's and could only chat for a few minutes. We had emailed enough all day that I didn't feel the usual verbal paralyzation that often hits during our "first phone call after missing time," but then again, we spent most of the call discussing our now apparent plans to go to Los Angeles soon, and naturally I don't want to put that in jeopardy by expressing my feelings about her abandonment, or making an off comment she might silently resent. When we were about to hang up was when she threw in there "Oh, by the way, I have a boyfriend now." Well no fucking fuck. Since those were the only words that came to my mind after that, and since I knew enough not to utter them, that's when the verbal paralyzation set in; that's when it got awkward. I was afraid of saying anything wrong, and I was afraid of saying anything real, and I was afraid that either would be one in the same, so I don't think I said anything at all. Her phone started breaking up anyway, so I think I used that to end the call as quickly as possible. But come on, what am I supposed to say? How am I supposed to handle it? She doesn't know I found out via Facebook because I didn't tell her, but why would she be all "by the way" about it when she knows she told me in an email? Or was she not sure if she told me or not?

I kind of feel bad because maybe she expected excitement or congratulations from me and can't understand why she didn't get it, but I've told her time and time again how much it hurts me when she shuts down and shuts me out, so I can't understand why she wouldn't acknowledge my feelings by at least trying to explain why she did this with something as great as that. And it must've been happiness and joy and bliss that she shut me out of this time, rather than the usual drama, hurt and negative experiences that she doesn't want to have to relive, but at least I can comprehend it when it's that. But bliss? Why and how could she shut me out of bliss? That makes my heart hurt even more. I know it is very likely that while she has always always always eagerly updated me on every little detail of her courting experiences in the past, since no relationship has ever worked out for her, and most recent courtships never lasted long enough to get to a relationship, this one was so crucial to her that she felt the need to try something different and not tell me every little detail—or any at all, for that matter. And I don't mean she excluded just me. I'd bet that she excluded everyone. I'm not fearing that she chose someone else instead of me, so at least there's that. In general, I think she might look back and think she overexposed her goings on and her thoughts and feelings, so conducting herself in a completely opposite manner this time might have been a very conscious attempt at an anti-jinxing measure. Fine. I get that. Typical Mary, if you consider all her somethings that led to nothing over the past year. But if that's what it is, then don't make me sit here and guess. Tell me that. Address it. Don't act like it's nothing, because if your relationship's not nothing, then it's not nothing. She said to me, to try and break the silence, "He will most likely be the man I'm going to marry and have children with." That just created more silence. I think I said "really," just for the sake of saying something, but that was so not what she was looking for. Well, I'm sorry, but I can't give her what she's looking for until she gives me what I'm looking for. If this is so significant that she is likely to marry and have children with this guy, then obviously he's not just anyone. And to think that she excluded me from the entire establishment of her relationship with someone who is to become the father of her children, breaks my heart in more places than I even knew existed.

I think I understand her. I truly wish her the best. I wholeheartedly forgive her. But forgiveness doesn't equal letting go without addressing. That's all I ask for right now. Just acknowledge me without an attitude. If she doesn't want things to change then they aren't going to from this point onward either, but I so desperately don't want us to change. I don't expect to be the most important person in her life like she is in mine, but I know without a doubt I've been very important to her this past year. Is this how she treats everyone who is anything less than the most important person in her life? Do my feelings not deserve to be acknowledged because it's too uncomfortable and I'm not important enough to be worth the temporary discomfort? I don't expect her to be a mind reader, but as I said, she should know me well enough by now. I know her too, which is why I was able to easily theorize about why she excluded me from everything this time around, but someone has to make the first move, and sorry to be self-important here, but I wasn't the one who engaged in neglect.

And I know she feels sort of bad and doesn't know how to tell me anything at all after all this not telling me anything, but "P.S. I have a boyfriend now" should never be words you hear coming from your best friend. That is a statement you'd hear from a friend you talk to every so often, not someone you're extremely close to. A boyfriend would never come as a sudden surprise to someone you're extremely close to, because you would've been filling them in on every little step of the journey, from initial sparks through courtship and beyond, wouldn't you? If this is the "new and improved" Mary that she spoke of right after her birthday, I can't say I'm a fan. I can understand the "let's wait and see what happens before we get ahead of ourselves and over-publicize something that turns out to be nothing" aspect. I would do the same thing if I were in her position. But what I don't get is how telling a select few people is over-publicizing, and I don't get how bottling up all that joy can be okay. I don't get not desperately wanting to be yourself and share something so remarkable with those you're closest to. I mean I understand how to bottle stuff up, because I have to do it all the time now. I just don't get wanting to. The only explanation I offer myself is that someone who doesn't want to share something so incredible, must no longer want to be close.

It's heartbreaking to me, on so many levels. And when she shuts down like this, I am left feeling like since she isn't inviting me to share in her life, then she must not want to be invited to share in mine. (Hence the self-imposed bottling up.) What happens if I meet someone soon? Am I supposed to keep my mouth shut about it and not share a thing with her? Probably not, but how can I act otherwise when I feel like she set the standard? How can I feel like she wants to hear my stories when she refuses to share hers? It absolutely kills me. Sure, we'll get over the current bumpiness, but will she ever catch me up on anything whatsoever? I'm too afraid to ask her to. Too afraid of rejection. Besides, it's something she should just volunteer. Maybe she will when we have more time to talk, but what if she doesn't? And what if she also keeps silent in terms of all current and future things regarding Michael? I mean sure she'll tell me they went to a certain restaurant, or watched a certain movie if it comes up in random conversation, but what if she never again shares anything of the heart? That would make me shut down so severely, I'd slip into an emotional coma. I couldn't feel close to her if she turned permanently into that, and I couldn't function if our closeness died such a death, especially after how far we've come.

Unfortunately, I think that while we have probably overcome the not talking chapter, her shut down phase will likely last for quite some time. I think this because I think that underneath all the "I could not ask for more" and the "it feels so good to be loved for who I am," lies some serious fear. First of all she's afraid that until the relationship reaches a cruising altitude on auto pilot, if she doesn't conduct herself in the very private way she's been conducting herself, then she's going to lose him. And second, I think she's afraid of what I or others might say if she expressed even some of the things going through the depths of her heart, and if she starts talking freely, even if she doesn't intend to blurt out those things, she might do so by accident. She can't afford to disclose, even accidentally, that she's aware of what she's doing, but she's doing it anyway. She can't disclose that because if she did, she could no longer deny it, and she needs to deny it if it is to work. Not saying anything at all is understandably the best way to avoid coming face to face with your worst fears, but she doesn't have to accidentally blurt out any of those things, because I can already see them. She also doesn't have to worry about me saying anything to her that warns or faults her, or even just makes her think, because this time I wouldn't. This time I know I have to just let her go and hope for the best, but I'm afraid she is heading towards a more impactful crash and burn than she's ever known.

I know we still haven't talked in any sort of significant way, but in all the emails and status updates and comments I've heard thus far, not once has she said she loved him...and I don't think she does. She also hasn't said anything to the effect of him being her everything or meaning the world to her or being her other half, or anything that would make him feel the way I would want to feel if I were in his shoes. She says nice things, but how much fulfillment can "he makes me feel like a princess" really bring you, when you want to feel that what you bring into her world is something she absolutely couldn't live without? (I mean anyone could make someone feel like a princess if they tried.) Now we know Mary is slower than most to be able to come to terms with her feelings of love, but if she wasn't the least bit interested in this guy when he was 20 pounds heavier, then I wouldn't exactly say it looks promising that she'll get to where she needs to be for things to attain mutuality between them. She always did need to be treated special, and she knows deep inside that while being paid attention to is key, wining and dining are up there as well, and where that's concerned, love can cost a pretty penny. Her last two actual boyfriends didn't have the necessary funding to shower her with luxuries, but Michael does. She's gaining back what she lost with Alex, so it's as perfect as she believes perfect can be—and I say "as perfect as she believes" because I'm pretty sure she's stopped believing in love. She's excited. She's happy. She sees so many ideal things in him. And she's probably in lust. But in love? I'm not saying that level of love has to be instant, but if it doesn't happen fairly soon in, then is it really going to? Michael is almost a carbon copy of Alex, and was she ever truly in love with Alex? Even she isn't entirely sure anymore, and if you're not sure, then it's not love. She knows that, but she's denying it. She has to deny it. If she doesn't, then there can't be any hope.

Of course it's extremely important to feel loved, and I don't mean to devalue that. It's wonderful that that's how he makes her feel, but what I'm trying to stress here is that there needs to be more than just that. If I gave myself to whomever I knew truly loved me just because they treated me like a princess and made me feel loved, I'd be in a relationship with a boy right now. It could be one of several boys, to be exact, but I just can't do that. I'm not that desperate, and I can't see how it could ever work anyway. I can't love someone the way one needs to love for a successful relationship, just because they love me that way. One person alone doesn't make a feeling mutual. And I may not exactly be experienced with relationship politics, but one thing I do know is that you can't make a feeling mutual just because you want to. You can try though. You can convince yourself that if you try long enough and hard enough it'll happen, and that's what I believe Mary's doing. He's just so perfect, and she's not getting any younger, and if she's going to reach her goal of marriage and children any time soon, then she can't afford to pass this one by.

It's sad to say it, but I think she is settling for "good enough." It's probably more like settling for "great enough," but settling is settling. She's told me so many times over the years that she felt it was extremely unlikely for her to ever find someone she could fall in love with, so my theory is highly based upon that. We are definitely different people, but if she felt he was the one, wouldn't she be uncontrollably proclaiming that to the world? I'm waiting to hear the words "I feel for him what I never thought I'd ever feel for anyone again." Instead, all I'm hearing about are how the things he does make her feel; all I'm hearing is how he will likely be the man she marries and has children with. How fucking emotionally detached is a statement is that? And she said it as if it were an accomplishment; as if it were something that in great relief, she was finally able to cross off her life check list. This is like an arranged marriage that she arranged for herself. There's respect and admiration and caring and love grows as those things grow, but true love? True in love? I'm not saying it's impossible, but I really think that if your heart isn't sparked in that direction pretty instantly, it isn't ever going to be. Either you feel a connection with someone or you don't. The same is true of being in love.

I truly hope that Mary doesn't rush into anything. I'm afraid she's going to give up on her career pursuit and move to Orlando where there's virtually no acting opportunities—move in with him and let him support her, of course. She might get a receptionist job or something of that nature, but nothing she's passionate about. When it comes to giving up on something you've always wanted to do, for the sake of attaining the life you always wanted to live, I'd definitely say go for it. If they aren't intertwined, then living is much more important than doing. But is this really the life she always wanted to live, or is it just close enough, and if it's just close enough, then does that still outweigh giving up on what she's always wanted to do? These are the things she needs to think about before she makes any rash decisions. I'm afraid she's not thinking though. I'm afraid that all of her answers are already yes, and all he has to do is say the word. She ever so briefly mentioned Michael during that week before Puerto Rico. She had me retouching her latest headshots, and said something to the effect of how she could've had "everything" with him, but things didn't go quite right when they last parted, so she's going to just go on pursuing acting. She would move to Orlando to marry him in a heartbeat if he asked her to, and he had actually been considering "moving her up there." That would mean she'd have to give up acting, but for now she's going ahead with the headshots because she's not going to sit around waiting for something to happen, when it looks like it isn't going to. That startled me at the time, but I just put it out of my head because when she says it looks like something isn't going to happen, it usually doesn't. But to say I've missed out on what's been going on lately is an understatement, so if the relationship is on now, then let's just say I'm checking for a change in her "location" on Facebook every day now, because that's probably how I'll find out she officially moved too. It won't be the worst thing in the world though. As long as there's no rush marriage or worse yet, instant baby, then I suppose I'll live. But I'll live in the constant fear that we're one more dangerous step closer to that happening. And all of this is supposed to be the "better choices" that she proclaimed she was making? Maybe if she stays in Miami to continue pursuing acting at least until the relationship remains "perfect" over a significant period of time, then I can believe it. But otherwise, it's like "better choices?" What the fucking fuck.

Maybe I'm just being selfish. I am, to some extent. I know I am. I damn near completely lost her to him, so obviously I'm not his biggest fan. By no fault of his, he doesn't exactly represent something positive to me. Instead of being the man who I love for making the girl I love happy, I can't help but see him first and foremost, as the reason why I feel so much distance. I want to like him, but how can I when his existence is the cause of her putting up walls between us. I want to want to get to know him, but how can I when her shutting down and not sharing a thing with me about him, makes me feel required to shut down as well? I feel suffocated. I feel ousted. And most of all, I feel like I can no longer be myself in talking to her, and I don't know how to be., other than silent, distant and seemingly removed. I want to love him and get excited for her and share her joy—and I'm not too selfish to do that in regards to a male object of interest. I've actually liked many of the guys she pursued, even if I was slightly bitter in the very beginning. I wondered for a second about why I was able to feel selfless towards some guys and only selfish and bitter towards others, and the answer came to me instantly: the ones she doesn't dump me for, the ones over whom she shares every little bit of courting bliss, are the ones who I love without bitterness or bias. It's that simple...and apparently, that complicated.

I guess we'll see what develops, and I mean that in terms of all fronts. Her candle is burning so brightly right now, but in all honesty, I don't think the flame will last for long in the direction she's headed. Bright as it is, it no longer provides me with any warmth, and I have a feeling I won't be the only one feelng that way for long. As important as it is to feel loved in a relationship, it's equally important to love mutually. If you can't provide that, how is the other person going to feel when the honeymoon stage ends and his perfect vision of you unclouds? And how are you going to remain committed and faithful if you aren't truly in love with him? I guess on her end it could work if she's so in love with the idea of him that she doesn't wander, but how's he going to feel when he starts to realize that her heart isn't in it? What's he going to do when he says "I love you" and doesn't hear it back?

And what am I going to do if she doesn't invite me back into her life until after all that comes to pass?

Valentine Verse

2009-02-14T15:51:00.001-05:00

I hate her so much, and yet I love her even more.

Unmet Needs

2009-02-12T00:02:00.002-05:00

The weather has been unseasonably decent, so I went for a walk at lunch today. I decided to hit up a few clothing stores near Grand Central. But when I found myself actually tearing up because all the trendy sweaters have short sleeves and it shouldn't be so fucking hard to find a long-sleeve sweater, I knew something was not right.

Actually, I knew something had not been right for about a week now. I was just trying to ignore it, but eventually things come gushing out of me with a vengeance. I've been pretty successfully denying the reality that Mary has been back from Puerto Rico for twelve days already, and not only has made no attempt to get in touch, but I found out via Facebook status updates that she's up in Orlando again, and I'm pretty sure I can accurately guess what she's doing there—or who she's doing there. So much for the "better choices" and "moving forward" that she prescribed for herself. And when being emotionally stable requires you to deny that on top of denying the reality that Allison is suddenly not speaking to you, it all eventually weighs you down so much that you end up crying because you can't find a long-sleeve sweater.

As Carmit would so delicately say, I've hit a "rough patch." (And it is a very rough patch indeed.) It's disturbing about Mary, but at least I'm used to the smell of her shit. With Allison, not so much. This is all new, and poignantly devastating. I can't help but wonder why, and in wondering why, I can't help but freak out. I also can't help but realize, ever so suddenly, how much I must love her. I don't have a crush on her. I don't have feelings for her—although I couldn't help but notice, when I realized I had a crush on Tasha, that Allison resembles Tasha quite a bit. But it's not that. It's not any of that. What it is, is love. I realized I dearly treasure her friendship and I love her profoundly. And in loving her, I miss her like I can't even begin to explain.

And Mary's not there, of course. Mary's not there to listen to how I feel. Mary's not there to listen to what I think might or might not be going on. (For the record, I think it is just job pressures and perhaps a nasty talking to from her boss that made Allison shut down. I don't really think it has anything to do with my coming out to her, but naturally, the timing of these things always freaks me out a bit.) But Mary is not there to share that with, or support me, or comfort me. And if Mary's not there, no one's there. She couldn't even respond to an email where I mentioned that Allison stopped talking to me. I didn't go on about it or provide any details, but you would think a good friend would reach out to you when they read that.

Yeah, you would think.

Then of course Allison's not there to take my mind off Mary not being there. Not that I would vent to her about it, but her mere presence would help.

And I can't even find a fucking long-sleeve sweater to save my life.

"L" is for "Locks"

2009-02-08T22:12:00.000-05:00

This is exactly what happened with Alice. All of a sudden Tasha wore her hair down and for the first time, after she's been on the show for two full seasons now, I noticed she existed.

And does she ever exist!

Attacked

2009-02-06T23:30:00.003-05:00

One of the cool things about my job is that once a year, the beauty division gathers up all the expensive upscale salon products they've been given for promotion, and sells them to employees for charity at one dollar per item. The other cool thing—because there are only two—is that once every few years, in an effort to get us to promote travel to Florida in our magazines, we are paid a little visit by some gators and their wrangler. Oh happy day...or so you would think.

This was the third time, over the course of my employment there, that the gator people came. The first time, our Florida reporter only told me about it after the fact, saying he thought I'd be too scared. Fuck no I'm not scared! I've held a gator before and reveled in it! He then promised to alert me the next time they came, which indeed he did, however I was on vacation that week. So finally, finally this year the gators returned a few days ago, I was invited, and I was ready, willing and able. Usually my department runs in excited bliss at the announcement of snacks in the kitchen. This time it was gators in the conference room. (You should have seen the Facebook status updates.)

I happened to have my camera with me that day because I was going to meet Mel B after work, for a signing of her new fitness video. (Hotness.) I brought it to the conference room, (the camera, not the fitness video), eager to preserve every detail of gator and co-worker bonding. Everything was wonderful and awesome and perfect, but then suddenly, as soon as I walked in, some switch within me somehow turned on, and I didn't know how to turn it off.

The best way to explain it is I had one of my anxiety attacks. They are not noticeable at all to others, as I don't display any outward symptoms unless the anxiety is a result of an encounter with one of my phobias, but I don't need to have a crying fit to feel panic on the inside. And it had nothing at all to do with the gators. They don't frighten me in the least, but finding myself in a social situation I'm not prepared for paralyzes my ability to function. It's my social anxiety; social inadequacy; social awkwardness. If I know I'm going to be at a bar or something, I have a chance to think about it and prepare myself so that the anxiety switch won't turn on full throttle. But while this wasn't a bar, it was still sprung on me without warning, and without any time to prepare.

So if it wasn't the gators, what was it?

It was my inability to speak up and say "can someone use my camera and take a picture of me if I hold one?" It's not that I couldn't speak up, as much as my fear they would say yes, and then start paying attention to someone else. (There were three gators, two tiny babies less than a foot in length, and one albino three-year-old who was about three feet from head to tail.) Then by the time their attention returned, the gator wrangler might have taken the little guy away from me to give to someone else already. My fear of not getting a photo of the moment, was greater than not having a moment at all. I was hoping someone would offer to take a picture, in which case I'd know they were dedicated to doing it, but since no one did, I assumed the opposite. My self-worth, fearing that I wasn't even worth someone paying attention to me while I held one, was peaking.

Strangely enough, my desire not to be noticed was peaking at the same time. There were no more than 10 or 15 people in the room at a time, but I was afraid if I held one, especially if it was the big one, all eyes would be on me. I hadn't prepared for it, so I simply couldn't handle it, even among friends. I couldn't bear being the center of attention.

And if I had managed to go through with it anyway, hiding my fears and discomfort, even if none of the humans could sense my fear, the gators probably could. They're smart like that. They're not, however, smart enough to comprehend my social anxiety and decipher why I was afraid. They would just think I was afraid of them, and when they think you're afraid is when they act out. Sure, these gators seemed like the most docile creatures in the world while they were in the conference room being passed from person to person, and sure, they've never bitten anyone before, but that adorable little titi monkey at Jungle Island in Miami had never bitten anyone before either. Mary was there for me then, but if anything, God forbid, happened with the gators, I'd have no one there who understood my medical phobias. After what I went through with the monkey, I just couldn't take that risk.

Not that what I went through at Jungle Island was anything major. It was just major to me. Paper cuts hurt more than that little monkey's bite. He was just messing with me because the keepers said to make sure not to let the monkeys take anything you're holding, so when I didn't let him take my park map, he bit my hand. It was really no big deal at all. I had no reaction. It didn't even bleed. I had gerbils when I was 12, and their bites put his to shame. We didn't leave that exhibit after the bite either. We just kept taking photos and enjoying ourselves with all the free-roaming monkeys for quite some time. But then when we did try to leave, that's when trouble started. The keepers said we couldn't go yet. They had called the park medical services, and had to have them come check me out and fill out forms. They assured us the little guys don't have rabies, but it's just procedure in the rare event that something like this happens. Well that was when I freaked out. You force me to deal with a doctor or nurse with medical equipment and I will absolutely lose it...and I did. I don't scream and run like the people Maury Povich has on his phobia shows, but I cry. In fact, I bawl uncontrollably—and in cases regarding phobias, preparing for it could help a little, but could never prevent an "episode."

There is one way to lessen the impact though, and to my utter dismay, I found out that my best friend would not overcome her own issues to be that for me. My tears started falling the instant I found out medics were coming, and while Mary understood what caused it and explained that to the keepers, she didn't show me any support, even when I tried to show her how. I didn't expect her to wrap her arms around me because I know how she is about affection, even if it was my time of need. But I noticed her comfort zone had been expanding lately, so I thought I could at least get one arm around me or her hand on my shoulder for support. When she didn't do anything like that on her own, I thought maybe she just didn't know that's the one thing that could help me cope. I didn't have it in me to directly ask her for a hug, but I did say, through my tears, "Mary, stand next to me, please stand next to me!" But instead of heeding my call for help, she backed away even further, allowing the nurses to step in when they arrived. So much for trying to gain any composure back whatsoever. As can be imagined, that just made what I was going through worse. I was so ashamed to be hysterically crying, and ashamed that the monkeys "never" bite, and yet one of them bit me. I felt like I had done something you weren't supposed to do, because it's usually only those who do something wrong that end up in my situation. I felt like I was something wrong. But worst of all, I felt abandoned by the person I love the most in the world.

I forgave her. It's not her fault. Her own issues are directly incompatible with mine, and she later explained to me that the incident made her angry, which is why she had to step away from the situation. She wasn't angry at me, but angry at whatever it was that occurred in childhood that made me respond to medical situations this way as an adult. She assumed it was a lack of comfort and acceptance of my response to such things by my parents. She might be right. I can't recall them ever refusing to hug me me at the doctor's, but I do remember them being utterly aggravated by my tantrums when we were there, so much so that they stopped telling me when I was going to the doctor. They would just put me in the car and I wouldn't find out where we were going until we arrived. For the record, that may have also had a lot to do with my need to be prepared for things. Enough said. But if Mary really thinks that's the root, she sure isn't doing anything to help me heal. She's come a long way in her own healing, but obviously not far enough for that. It's sad. Heartbreaking, even. But at least now I know she's not there for that. She can't be. I only hope and pray that I never have to rely on her for a much more traumatic wound, (pun intended), but that's a hard thought to handle when she's the one person I want to rely on.

Still, at least she gets it. At least she knows. At work, no one knows. They've heard "I'm terrified of doctors" before, but they just don't get it. We're not close enough for me to try to explain it to them. And even though I wasn't scared of the gators, after thinking about all the things rushing through my head, I figured they could indeed bite, even if they never have before. After what I went through so recently with the monkey, I just couldn't take that risk, not even with the babies that weren't even a foot long, because surely that would mean paperwork and a medical examination. Maybe I was just rationalizing myself out of what I wanted and "couldn't" attain, but it is what it is—and it wasn't what it wasn't. I have no regrets. These things happen. I choose to accept them, because I choose to accept me. Overall, this is such a small loss. It's just missing out on holding a gator, not losing a friend or something.

And near the end, Lisa came in. She was visibly nervous, but went for it anyway. I even took a photo, but she was too uncomfortable to look directly at the camera like everyone else did. After handing her new "friend," who matched her blouse to perfection, back to the wrangler, she eyed it and said "Can you say Jimmy Choo?"

We kicked her out after that. It may not have been okay with everything I stand for and everything I believe in, but she's funny, that Lisa. She made everything okay. She made me smile inside, and that's what I needed.

Silent Bond of Something

2009-02-02T20:15:00.003-05:00

I cannot tell a lie. It was utter bliss being felt up by the one girl within my normal daily horizon who I would most enjoy getting felt up by. It was just Lisa, myself and one other guy left at the bar, and the only downside is that I had to allow myself to get felt up by the guy, in order to get felt up by Lisa. It was entirely playful and therefore, unserious and non-threatening, which is why I agreed to it—well, that and the fact that I knew if I let him grab my ass, it would lead the way for Lisa to follow suit. "Wow, that's hot," he raved, adding "Lisa, you should totally check her ass out. It's incredible." Mission accomplished.

There is much more to the story, but as blissful as it all was, I didn't leave there with my head spinning, thinking she really is into chicks after all. She is definitely comfortable with female on female playfulness, but I haven't lost my mind enough this time to think it was any more than that. And yes, I grabbed her ass as well, and yes, she wanted me to, and yes, my head was spinning, but not spinning out of control.

And while the ass grabbing was the ultimate turn-on, it was not the highest high in the end. She was just so...loving. She was so attentive and open and affectionate. I cannot count on one hand how many times she told me she loved me. I cannot count on two hands how many times we hugged. There was a bond there. Perhaps it was a still unspoken bond, but we touched it. We felt it. We knew it. As I was leaving, after countless more hugs and "I love you's," she told me we really should hang out more, and the next time she plans a low-key outing with a few girls, she's going to invite me.

Whether or not that will happen when alcohol is no longer in her system, is yet to be seen, but it doesn't really matter. What matters is that I think we really recognized something that night: There's something there. In so many ways, we are such different individuals who live in such different worlds. But our hearts, at their core, are sewn of many of the same fibers. I look at her and I see someone who suffers from issues, even if hers are different than mine. I look at her and I see someone who has many great friends, but who might not be able to get the affection she needs from them. I look at her and I see someone who has so much in her that the world doesn't see. And I think that when she looks at me, she is seeing the exact same things staring right back into her soul.

That is why we hug. It's all right there. We reach out for more from each other when we're drunk, but under the normal circumstances of daily life, it's hard. It's hard to form a true friendship when you're still not sure if you could hold each others' interest over the course of a dinner. You have fears. You know how different you are. You know the other already has their set of friends, and aren't really sure what the other wants or doesn't want. You know you live in such different worlds and in those worlds, you're traveling at such different speeds. And yet...there's something, if only the way in which your hearts both beat.

But if the only thing there is the way your hearts both beat, that in itself is SPECIAL regardless. It is special beyond boundaries because that in itself—and knowing that in itself—is so much. Circumstances can make or break things and because of those circumstances, things may never develop into anything more than they are. In fact, they probably won't. If that's what happens though, it's okay. That's how some things are meant to be—or not meant to be. But the fact that you simply seem to know now, and the fact that you both seem to have shared and acknowledged that silent bond of something, is more than something.

That right there is the highest high. That is everything.

On Again

2009-01-26T21:32:00.003-05:00

It's on again. No, I don't mean Mary, although that's back on too. She's in Puerto Rico for a week, but everything fell perfectly back into place the week before, once she became "done." She didn't exactly catch me up on things, (although to my utter surprise and delight, she said she wanted to and intended to), but I never expected that to happen. I was simply relieved that she was back in my life. I had reached a point where that was all I wanted, and I wanted it so badly.

So I still don't know anything that went on in her life over the past few weeks. I don't know what's been going right or wrong. I know she's been depressed and I know she's once again not talking to Alex, but that's the extent of my knowledge. Likewise, she doesn't know what's been going on with me either, the good, the bad or the ugly. She still doesn't know about the layoffs. Doesn't know that the magazine I spent all of October through December redesigning, was canned before the first redesign issue even came out. Doesn't know I came out to Allison. And she still doesn't know that at a bar the other night, Lisa grabbed my ass, totally felt me up and told me it was hot.

Repeatedly.

But it's been good. Very good. I didn't even have to explain what I meant when I asked Mary if she was "done." She just got it, and I think that was the sweetest part of all. It's the truest sign of acknowledgement, acceptance and understanding, and the truest sign of how far our friendship has come. And we've been talking, yet there's been no time to talk. I'm so thankful to have her back that I'm fine with that, even if she never does catch me up, as I assume she probably never will. But she's been constantly calling me, sending me emails, and Superpoking me on Facebook. Life is good.

So what's back on then if I wasn't referring to Mary? My crush on Lisa, of course. (grin)

Bar Outing

2009-01-24T16:20:00.001-05:00

"Are you for real? Cuz if it's true, you're one hot lesbian. If I were into chicks, I'd totally fuck you."

—Allison

Water Under the Bridge

2009-01-21T01:33:00.000-05:00

Done

2009-01-18T23:12:00.001-05:00

Mary: I'm driving to my brother's house, and I always call you when I'm driving to my brother's house, so I thought I'd call. Plus, I don't want you to start feeling neglected. I know I haven't been in touch, but I've been depressed and there's so much to catch you up on. You just don't know...well actually, you probably do know, right?

Me: Yeah, I know. You know, I know. But are you done? Because I'm just waiting for you to be done. I'm not going to call you until then.

Mary: Done? I'm almost done. I'll be done tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow? Are you sure you don't need to go to Puerto Rico first?

Mary: Yeah, I'm sure. I am so ready to be done.

Me: Alright, call me then.

Mary: I will.

It Takes Both Pet Owners...

2009-01-17T22:29:00.001-05:00

"A good relationship is a bit like a pet boa constrictor: either you feed it every day or bad things happen."

—Redbook Magazine

Frigid

2009-01-15T20:29:00.002-05:00

I let the first two busses pass on my way home today. The temperature is in the single digits, and I let the first two busses pass. They were crowded. I was carrying heavy groceries. I wanted a seat. I also realized that standing outside in the numbing cold for half an hour gives me something to focus on that is so severely painful, I temporarily forget what else is hurting me.

And I needed that.

Routine Maintenance

2009-01-14T08:12:00.000-05:00

I don't even know what to say. There's so much to say, and yet nothing at all. The clock just ticks, and I just wait. In fact, I'm waiting it out. Just sitting and waiting. I have to. There is no other course of action, and no other way to cope with what has been taken away from me.

Even today, her 30th birthday, I will do nothing but sit and wait. I'm in the depths of the dark, cold waiting period. If her birthday falls during a waiting period, then it's still no exception to the rule. I sent her a card, but she's in Vegas. She'll get it when she gets it. She might be returning to Miami today, but I really have no idea. It's either today, tomorrow or Friday. I am left to guesstimate, since we are "not in touch." And since she didn't seem to care enough to get back to me and thank me, without being asked, for the web cam I sent her for Christmas—and obviously has been in no rush to set it up either—then I'm sure she won't care about whether or not she receives a mere card. Likewise, I don't care whether or not it gets acknowledged.

I really don't. That's why all I sent was a mere card.

My greatest issue with her not acknowledging the web camera was the fear that it had been stolen from her doorstep. At first I was simply hurt, but then practicality took over. And when I finally confronted her, I got nervous laughter along with a guilty-seeming "Are you serious, I didn't thank you for that? I can't believe it! I'm so sorry," which assured me we were heading for some dark times, if I wasn't sure already. But it's not that or the dark times that made me only send a card this year. We've been semi-planning our upcoming trip to Los Angeles together—at least before she retreated to fucking Never Never Land—and we agreed that my birthday gift to her would be paying for her flight. That's her gift, so obviously nothing else is necessary. But I was going to include with my card, that sacredly special friendship book I've been hanging on to for over ten years. When I decided on this a month ago, it was the perfect time in the course of our friendship to finally give it to her. Now...not so much.

Perhaps it is not meant for her to be the recipient of that book. A month ago, I never could have imagined this happening, but here we are once again. In the big picture, of course she still deserves to receive it. The big picture is still overwhelmingly beautiful, and I have no doubt that eventually we will return to the big picture. But despite that, maybe God is telling me that as much as I love her, and as good a friend as she has been to me, maybe that book does belong to someone who is even more. (And I say "belong" in the present tense, because whether or not they are currently in my life, that person already exists, and in my heart, owns it.) Likewise, I think this darkness had to come, otherwise how open could I possibly be to someone greater? For the past six or so months, stop short of the past few weeks, my emotional needs had been completely fulfilled. If there is no need, then there is no void, and if there is no void, then there is no openness. Mary may not give me butterflies of attraction and infatuation, and I know for sure she's not "the one," but the emotional fulfillment she did give me had been so incredible that I haven't even been thinking about anything else. Well now I have room to think, and while it doesn't feel very good at the moment, I know it's a good thing. God is simply preparing me; making a larger portion of my heart available.

But still, it hurts. It hurts like a motherfucker. I can believe this is happening for my greater good, and understand "how Mary is" and not take it personally until I'm blue in the face, but none of that makes the heartache of missing her any less. I know things will get back to normal. I know she has to go through these phases. I know we're still going to LA. And most of all, I know she doesn't mean to hurt me. Knowledge is power, right? Sure. But it's not everything, and I still have to get through the now. As long as I have to live in the now, it's going to wreck havoc on my well being because I love her. And I miss her. And I want it to matter whether or not I wish her a very special "Happy Birthday." But I simply feel that it doesn't.

It hurts so badly knowing that the other day she was so down and didn't turn to me. And it hurts knowing that I played no role in cheering her back up. It hurts to see that my "I <3 style="font-style: italic;">some friends to stay up to date with you that way, but not when for the past six months, you've hardly gone a day without talking.

I don't matter.

That's how I feel right now, and it's the worst feeling in the world, especially when the person you feel you don't matter to is the person who matters most in the world to you. I feel like I don't make any sort of a difference in her life, which is why I've decided to not bother posting a birthday message on MySpace or Facebook, or sending her an ecard. I sent her a real card. For someone you feel you don't matter to, despite how much they matter to you, that's more than enough. (For the record, she lost her phone again, so I'm actually glad that relieves me from feeling the obligation to call or text.) Why should I bother when I feel like I don't matter? What motivation is there when you are certain that it won't matter to her either way? You have no impact whatsoever on the state of her well being. You are absolutely nothing.

But like all things, it'll pass. As I said, I'm waiting it out, as if watching the rain fall from the window. The combination of being deeply hurt and moderately frustrated makes it pretty easy to not speak unless I'm spoken to, especially now that I know the routine. So she's in Vegas having a probably hedonistic escape. Then she'll go back to the reality of Miami. Then she'll go to Puerto Rico for the healing spiritual escape. And I'm guessing that then she'll come back focused, refreshed and ready to restore the friendship. Until then, I sit and wait. I sit, I bottle up, and I wait, staring out the window like a zombie.

I get it though. I get that she has to go through these phases. The routine is her routine maintenance. Essentially, she has to take a break from me because she has to take a break from herself, and this is the only way for her to accomplish that. I get it, I accept it, I don't believe it harms the big picture, but there is still no way to curb the destructive emotions it leaves me with in the now.

The Irony of Effort

2009-01-11T11:19:00.005-05:00

I try to be the best friend I can be, but sometimes with her, that means not being a friend at all for a while.

Ironically, it's the not being a friend which requires the most effort.

Everything in Life that Matters

2009-01-10T15:11:00.002-05:00

I had the tv on in the background last night, watching but not really watching some move on Sundance called Friends With Money. I think I had heard of it during its short stint in theaters a few years back, simply because Jennifer Aniston was in it. The movie never particularly interested me, but I wanted the tv on, and I generally prefer simple films about the human experience, rather than award-winning masterpieces with brilliant storylines, intense action and drama, outstanding acting, or mind-blowing special effects.

The movie never compelled me enough to stop what I was doing and pay full attention, but from what I gathered, it was centered around the individual trials, tribulations and issues of four female friends: three married and well-to-do, and one, single and just getting by. The single one, Olivia, played by Jennifer Aniston, appeared to have the worst luck in every aspect of her life compared to her friends, and yet...maybe not. I hardly watched most of it, so I can't say much more than that, however I did happen to catch the end. Olivia had begun dating a new guy who on the outside would make one think she could do much better, yet she seemed content. I guess she realized she enjoyed his company—and she realized this before she found out he was so rich he didn't even have to work. But I don't think it was even his wealth that made him so perfect for her. It was his timid admission "I, um, I guess I have some issues...You know, people sort of...Problems. I have them." With awe in her eyes she told him acceptingly "Yeah, issues. I have those too," and that's how it ended. The rest of the movie had been an hour-and-a-half of uselessness, but for that right there, it was worth it. It was everything. Everything in life that matters.

Imperfection, essentially, is the core of perfection. And it reminded me of the day I first spent with Mary at Starbucks in 2005. She seemed so together, so "perfect," and yet she blurted out to me that she had emotional problems—which of course made her not so perfect within this world, but perfect to be my friend—more perfect than I had ever imagined. It just so happens that last Saturday I was sitting here obliviously writing birthdays and anniversaries in my new 2009 calendar—instead of waiting until June to do that this year—when it hit me that it actually was Starbucks Day. Our four year anniversary.

And once again I couldn't even call her.

Couldn't even tell her.

And I cried.

Happy Friday

2009-01-09T19:45:00.002-05:00

The axe fell today. Redundancies, as they say. Cuts. Layoffs. And did they kill off the editor and designer with the problematic job performance? No, they did not. They went by salary in the case of editorial, position elimination in the case of design, and just to add insult to injury, they threw in our web project manager who had just completed the massive and highly successful revamp of our websites.

Look, I understand that even though we are already way understaffed, times are tough and cuts were "necessary." But come on, you're going to get rid of the good people instead of the people who were already hanging by a thread and who make everyone elses' jobs more stressful just by being there?

Happy New Year, you fucking greedy bankers who own our asses. I'm sorry your holiday bonuses were only five digits this year, instead of your usual six.

And while this can't be intentional because no one knows about the editor, they apparently ridded the company of gays. (So much for the National Day Without a Gay one month ago.) Corporate seems to have missed me though. Now I am the only one and that's saddening. Not that it matters. No one even knows. But I know, and I'm sad.

I am particularly saddened because I liked that editor. I really really liked her. I didn't "like" her like her, didn't have a crush on her, but she was a nice person and I liked that she was there. I liked that she was there and I knew, (even if my knowing is only because Allison can't keep a secret.) I'm not sure if that was told to Allison in complete confidence or if she wouldn't mind if a few "safe" people were told, but either way, I don't think she knows I knew, and she certainly doesn't know about me unless her gaydar is just that incredible. It was so comforting to know I wasn't alone though. There was another lesbian that virtually no one knew about.

But she is gone now. And John is gone. And I don't like that.

I Hate This Part

2009-01-04T16:49:00.001-05:00

Every day seven takes of the same old scene,
Seems we're bound by the laws of the same routine...

I can't take it any longer,
Thought that we were stronger,
All we do is linger,
Slipping through our fingers...

I hate this part right here,
I hate this part right here,
I just can't take these tears,
I hate this part right here.

No Subject

2008-12-29T23:33:00.002-05:00

I think it hurts even worse, now that I have experienced how good it could be.

Loved

2008-12-27T01:33:00.000-05:00

The only thing indeed...

Mary Christmas

2008-12-26T01:49:00.004-05:00

I always knew perfection wouldn't last forever. I had a great run; a great year. But I thought my bliss would not start dissolving until she became a mother, or at least until she found herself in another relationship. Never did I think that once again I would spend my Christmas anguishing over whether or not I would get so much as a text message or MySpace comment, freaking out over whether or not she received the package i sent. She publicly thanked someone else on MySpace for the package he sent her, so why not me? Why not even a MySpace comment? USPS tracking says it was delivered last Monday, but since I haven't received any sort of acknowledgement, I am left wondering if some passer by saw it sitting on the front steps and stole it. It's been known to happen in her neighborhood. Most likely that didn't happen though. Most likely, we are back to the hurtful place where this sort of lack of communication is simply to be expected. So why did she thank someone else and not me then? Because when you sink into a depression, your ability to reach out becomes a very limited resource. You use it toward those with whom you feel an obligation, rather than those who you know would understand.

I do understand, of course. In that sense, I guess I should be touched. It's nice to know that she knows I understand. I also accept and respect, which is why of course I am not going to try and change reality. But that does not mean I have evolved enough for it to not sadden me. I don't think I could ever evolve that much. In fact, it's not even about evolving. It's about feeling. And loving. And missing. I am by no means taking anything personally, nor do I fear what this means for our friendship, so in that sense, I have indeed evolved. But if someone "evolves" enough so that they don't miss someone when their constant contact suddenly becomes scant, it isn't a sign of growth. It's a sign that their love is fading, which is not a sign of growth or evolution.

As far as what went wrong, I don't know the details. She had excitedly been telling me every single little detail of her life and her emotions for the past six months, and then suddenly, it came to a crashing halt two weeks back. And when I say a "crashing" halt, I mean that literally. She was in a car accident. She was not harmed at all, and the car only had a few dents, but she was severely shaken up. Funny thing was, I had sensed something was wrong, without actually knowing. I called her. Left a voice mail. She didn't call or email or text back, which at the time, seemed rather unusual. This concerned me further. The next evening I called again, and she explained—or so to speak. She told me she had been in a car accident, and when I said "Oh my God, what happened?!" she paused for a moment, and then in an ever so slightly defensive tone, said "Y'know what? It's over. I'm fine. That's all that matters. I already told the story so many times to so many people, and I don't want to tell it anymore. I finally stopped dwelling on it, and I don't want to go back to thinking about it again." That made me sad, but of course I understood and respected her decision. I haven't faced a scenario like that in ages—and recently I had been one of the few people who would hear the stories she would tell very few times—but it wasn't anything new for me. And it was only one incident. One bump in the road. One little thing that hurt me in the big picture of our friendship. Certainly nothing to worry about, and I didn't.

Then last week, she went to Orlando. I didn't expect to hear from her much since she'd be visiting and staying with "friends," so the fact that we didn't talk as much as usual didn't concern me. One evening when we did speak though, she was debating whether she would drive back that night or not, and said to me "If I do drive back tonight, can I call you?" She sounded so eager and excited to speak to me, and that NEVER gets old, even when she rambles on and on about the same thing, that being boys, which is of course the real reason she went to Orlando in the first place. I knew from that short conversation that the one she had gone there to see was not working out, another one she hadn't expected to be interested in was working out, but in general, she was really a wreck inside, realized how her pursuit of boys had destroyed her acting focus, not to mention her emotional peace of mind, and she was considering going to Puerto Rico for three weeks to escape it all and find herself. That sounded like a good idea to me. I knew eventually all the sleeping around would get to her. I mean she convinced herself that she was happy with the fun she was having, but her behavior seemed to me, like a reckless attempt to fill a void. She said she was okay with just sex and no relationship, but no she wasn't. She certainly wanted to believe she was, but she could not have been less okay. Of course I was always worried and when she seemed receptive, I would talk to her about it. She listened. She often admitted I was right and she was "a bit" out of control, but she never tried to do anything about it. And with her rapid and incessant moving from one to the next to the next, often with several on her roster at the same time, there's no way she could've been happy. Sex destroys interpersonal relations, rather than heals, and this is proof of that. The entertainment factor lasts for a while, but I knew that eventually it would all catch up with her, and sure enough, it has. I can't say I'm surprised. Of course I wasn't going to say "I told you so" or anything to that effect, even though her little sister and I told her so. But she didn't need to hear that. She simply needed love and support, and that's what I intended to give her. "Maybe you needed to go to Orlando to come to this point of realization," I said to her. She completely agreed.

Anyway, she ended up not going back to Miami that night, and called me two days later when she was finally home. I have to admit I held a slight fear inside me. I was afraid she had become so messed up emotionally from everything, that she'd pull another "I'm not going to talk about it." With the car accident, sure, I could deal. It's just one isolated incident. But she's been detailing me in on every emotion, every thought, every boy for the past six months, and to suddenly have an entire week of surging emotions not shared, would be like missing a crucial episode of a reality show you love. It was only a slight fear, based more on paranoia than anything else, because I knew that things were different now than in the past. Mary had learned—and admitted to me—how good it felt and how healthy it was to vent and share her feelings. She learned that it is the venting that enables you to just get it out of your system and let go of anything negative. So essentially, our friendship had evolved to a place where her former state of mind was no longer going to occur in the present, right?

Wrong. The only thing that was right was my "slight" fear. Our friendship had definitely evolved, and I didn't suddenly fear that we were facing a backlash, but she certainly was. She was very, VERY messed up inside, so much so that she would endanger what little well being she had left if she spoke about what she was going through. Naturally, the reality of that destroyed me. Even though I am fairly sure she isn't talking to anyone else, I still felt so excluded from her life. I felt the wall she had put up. I felt distance. I felt unwanted. I felt that our intimacy had been severed because if sharing creates intimacy, then the lack of it does just the opposite. And all of that, while I still wasn't taking it personally, deeply saddened me, to a level I hadn't felt in quite some time. I wanted to collapse into someone's arms and cry, but there is no someone. There's just me, all alone, and that's not a feeling I wanted to ever return to.

But fortunately, that wasn't the overwhelming feeling within me. Mary didn't seem defensive at all, and that in and of itself was comforting. In fact, she explained it to me—not that she even needed to, because I already assumed everything she said—with such gentleness that it almost felt like she was aware of how her lack of sharing could make me feel, and wanted to show me that she cared. (Could she have actually read that long email I sent her in the spring of 2007?) She showed me that she was not distancing, and seemed entirely interested in everything that was going on in my life, which was not the case when she "shut down" in the past. So even though this hurt like hell, I truly appreciated her efforts. It was a true sign that we really had grown together, with both of us being less selfish and more open to the others' needs, and I didn't let this bring down my spirits. I hadn't lost my friend. Things might not be the way I wanted them to be, but she wasn't going anywhere, our friendship is still solid, and that's what mattered most.

But now I am afraid I can't say that anymore. What begun as what I thought was an "isolated incident" has grown into a pretty significant nightmare. We had plans to talk Monday, but then she texted me that she was having dinner with Alex and then going to the casino (yeah, of course he's totally back in the picture), so could she call me the next day. Of course she could. But she didn't. On Christmas eve I left her a voice mail. I took the blame for not calling the day before—even though she was the one who was supposed to call me—and told her to call me because I was home with my parents and bored. She never returned that call. I left her a Christmas MySpace comment, and it never inspired her to return the favor. She then never texted or emailed or left a MySpace comment or called again. I know it's only been four days since we've spoken, but there's been various attempts on my part and none on hers, which pretty much establishes that this is much more than paranoia. And it's Christmas of all days. Christmas! I never expected to be hurting on Christmas, but I am. What I would have given for just a "Merry Christmas" text message! I never thought I would return to that place again, where a simple text message from her would be something I had to long for, but unfortunately that's where we are. And to have to feel so forgotten on a day that is all about showing love, is enough to make me curl up in a ball under my covers and never want to wake up. My spirits are unavoidably sunken at this point, and I'm afraid of what that means for my state of well being. I am afraid that if I can't rise out of this, then more and more bad things will come.

But how am I supposed to rise out of this when her friendship, so entirely alive in my life, was the sole source of how good I've been feeling for most of this year?

About a Girl

2008-12-21T01:10:00.000-05:00

I think her name was "Connie."

I'm not sure. I don't even know why I think that. I mean i don't remember talking to her. I was so drunk. Not out of control drunk, but stuff's a blur drunk, since Mary knew the promoter and we had three free drinks at the club we were at before leaving to go to the gay club. But I must've spoken to her, right? At least a bit? Otherwise, why would I have a feeling that her name was "Connie?" Doesn't matter, I guess. What I do remember is dancing with her, while Mary danced with a gay male friend of hers. I don't even remember how it started; how we began dancing with them. Were we dancing together and then they came over to us? That must've been it, because we are not the type to be the instigators. And naturally, because she was a girl, and a lovely one at that, I didn't feel the need to make it stop as quickly as possible. In fact, I liked it. I liked it a lot.

She had long straight brown hair with bangs, and was wearing a tight but very respectable black dress. She appeared to be about my age. She was not aggressive at all. She was sweet and affectionate, which to me, are the ultimate turn-ons. She would hold my hand and put her hand on my waist, but never do anything raunchy or suggestive, like half the people in the club were doing with complete strangers. I was so drunk I didn't really realize it at the time, but my goodness, I think I liked her. I think I really liked her.

But then Mary realized she lost her phone, and we just took off to find it. That's how it ended. That part, I remember. At the time, I didn't mind. She lived in Miami and I live up here, so most likely, it wasn't going anywhere of note. Besides, "Connie" and her friend weren't clinging to us and we weren't clinging to them, so leaving so abruptly and without saying goodbye wasn't rude or anything. They were just people we were dancing with, not people we were actually having a conversation with. But later I realized that "Connie" was someone unlike anyone else I have come across in life, and because of it, someone I can't stop thinking about and will never forget.

"Connie," if that is her name, was the first woman, stop short of those who do not dress or act like women, to ever devote her attention to me at a club. She might not even be gay, but given the fact that she was there with her gay friend and chose me to dance with, then she is certainly comfortable with women. And while she could be bisexual, I highly doubt a bisexual girl at a gay club would have been as sweet and non-aggressive. Statistics show that most bisexuals who go to gay clubs, only go to meet someone to bring home that night, as they sleep with women for pleasure, but commit to men for relationships. But lesbian, bi or straight, "Connie" didn't seem like that at all. She was so entirely feminine, so entirely girly, so entirely something I had never before experienced. It was the first time I actually enjoyed the company and attention of a complete stranger at a club; the first time I found myself attracted to someone I had just met; the first time I saw that maybe, just maybe, this something was mutual.

She is the ultimate representation of hope.

Dear Corporate

2008-12-18T20:06:00.002-05:00

Dear Corporate Executives,

Not that you asked or anything, but just in case you were wondering, a certificate for an "extra hour of lunch" as a holiday bonus is NOT better than nothing at all. In fact, it is even more insulting, especially to an employee who generally has too much on her plate, thanks to you, to take lunch in the first place. Are you seriously still clueless as to why morale is so low? Look, I'm not saying I needed to be a big winner with one of those highly valued $5 Starbucks cards, but couldn't you at least afford the $1 lottery tickets for everyone? I find it hard to believe you couldn't, y'know, given the very fancy holiday dinner you funded for the more valued departments' employees and their guests. Just sayin'...

Solid

2008-12-08T22:18:00.003-05:00

There were indeed moments that were not good, and those were the ones—or rather, that was the one—during which I chose to write. Not surprisingly, those moments were when I had the time. Those were also the moments when I needed to write; needed to get an emotion out. And birthdays are tough on me. Always have been, always will be. The term "happy birthday" is an oxymoron.

But even in the saddest of moments, I knew that it was different this time. It was different because my sadness was merely the result of unfortunate circumstances, not thoughtlessness or ambivalence on her part. I never had the slightest doubt that her intentions were good, and she was absolutely elated that I was there. Knowing that enabled me to cry in the now, when alone in my room, and then to release it and overcome. There was no anguish. No destruction. No fear of anything wrong or feelings of needing to work something out. Certain things may have been imperfect, but unlike the last time I went, those moments were few and far between, and were not the overall feeling I returned home with.

The overall feeling I returned home with was the deepest and most penetrating joy. She truly gave me her all, and I could not have asked for more. We didn't do all that much, drink all that much or party all that much, but we were together almost constantly from Wednesday afternoon, until I left on Monday morning, and we are all the better for it. Happiness is not about how you spend your time, but who you spend it with, and I came home truly happy.

When we discussed going to LA together, and how paying for her flight will be my birthday gift to her, she said "but I know you, you say that'll be it, but you'll also send me something small that has a lot of meaning and comes from your heart." I didn't anticipate sending her anything else besides a birthday card, but then on the flight home, I realized she was right. There was something else I will be sending her: The little friendship book I bought twelve years ago, believing I would someday have someone worthy of giving it to.

I've considered giving it to Mary before. I've considered giving it to several people before. But in all of those cases, including Mary's, I felt that while the recipient in question "deserved" it because of how much I adored them, how close I felt to them, and how much joy their friendship brought into my life, that in and of itself was insufficient. I so desperately wanted to have someone to give that little book to, that I almost gave in, several times, and gave it to someone who deep inside I knew I cherished much more than they cherished me. Of course I tried to be in denial of reality, if reality wasn't perfect, but at the end of the day, that would have invalidated the book's message. This book is sacred to me, and so must be the friend with whom I choose to share it. If I have any doubts or fears that it might not be right, then that's a sure sign that it isn't.

And I realized on my flight home, that I no longer have those doubts or fears.

We are solid.

The beautiful praises in that book about how much her friendship means to me have always been true. But now the pages about how much we've helped each other grow, how close we are, and how well we understand and accept one another, are sincerely true as well. And we are at a place, a solid, comforting, fearless place, where I am confident she will truly appreciate the book, in a way she never would have in the past. The time has come. She does not only deserve it, she has earned it.

I am so glad I never gave that book away on a whim, just because I so desperately wanted to; just because I loved someone with all my heart. It was meant to be given as I'm giving it now. I'm so glad I waited. I kind of thought I would be giving it to "the one," but that was never an absolute. After all, the title of the book is simply "For My Friend." The realization that Mary truly deserves and has earned this special book, is accompanied by a feeling of true progression. As the pages of this book are turned by someone other than me for the very first time, a new chapter in my life will be opened. I am convinced that within those pages, "the one" will be finally written.

Happy Birthday To Me

2008-11-19T13:42:00.002-05:00

The top five things I was guaranteed about Miami, that have proven to be inaccurate or altogether untrue:

5. You won't be walking to church. That's over a mile! Are you crazy? I'm driving you.

4. You need to stop worrying. I'll get up early.

3. You won't need a sweater except maybe when we leave a club at 3am. That's the only time it gets a little chilly. In the daytime, it's still in the 80s.

2. You don't need to worry about the room keys. All our rooms have access codes instead of keys now.

1. You won't be alone this time.

But Remember, This Time You Won't Be Alone

2008-11-15T13:13:00.003-05:00

The title of this entry is a quote from Mary, uttered when I voiced concern over possibly having to wait for the condo key for hours, since I'll be arriving late.

She wasn't worried at all. And ever since she said that, I haven't been either.

Nope, I'm not thinking about how our Saturday night plans changed—as the venue she's working at changed—and how I would have had her with me all weekend because the club is down the street from my hotel, the new place is closer to where she lives, so you see where that's going. I'm also not thinking about how the number of boys she fancies requires a spreadsheet just to keep track, or how Miami has been in the mid 80s all week, but is scheduled to drop into the low 70s the minute I arrive. And finally, I'm not thinking about how three days before I arrive, she suddenly starts talking to Alex again, which means, among other things, I could've saved over $800 and stayed in the vacant apartment he rents out, which he offered to her the minute he found out I was coming.

Nope.

The only thing I am going to focus on is how she told me she put a smiley face on her calendar for the day I arrive, and a sad face for the day I leave.

We are solid.

Reflecting the Spirit

2008-11-12T23:57:00.003-05:00

"In the end, then, what is called for is nothing more, and nothing less, than what all the world's great religions demand — that we do unto others as we would have them do unto us. Let us be our brother's keeper, Scripture tells us. Let us be our sister's keeper. Let us find that common stake we all have in one another, and let our politics reflect that spirit as well."

—President Elect, Barack Obama

That was beautiful, and it says everything right there.

There's been a lot of controversy in the news this week about religious leaders having issues with Obie, (that's my pet name for him), regarding his stance on abortion rights. I see the headlines on Yahoo, maybe skim some articles, but don't really follow it. Obviously it's an important issue, but if you are a religious person, then you have faith, don't you?

He could have a change of heart. Anyone could. Norma McCorvey did. She's the Roe in the infamous Roe versus Wade case. Not many people seem to know she completely turned around years after the case, but if she did, then anyone can.

And I have faith.

I am glad Obama was chosen. He brings a new energy to this country, and hopefully a new and positive perspective. I had forgotten, until I saw parts of his acceptance speech, that this was not just any new president. This was the first non-white president this country has ever known. How absolutely awesome is that?! I never see "color", so I had kind of overlooked that.

But as for his stance on abortion rights, I am simply going to have faith that he and others will have their eyes opened to the validity of human life. All life. If we do unto others as we would have them do unto us, and if we are truly our brother's and sister's keeper as he said, then there is no room in that equation for the allowance of one human being preventing or ending the human existence of another, for the mere sake of convenience.

There is no looking out for one another, and no sense of community in that. It is a concept void of equality.

Eliminating the Middleman

2008-11-09T19:25:00.003-05:00

When it is easier to get a response from a celebrity than to get a response from the PR person in charge of arranging your day with said celebrity, someone is CLEARLY not doing their job.

It's all good though. It's all good.

Mindlessness

2008-11-07T23:35:00.005-05:00

"It's funny, because I was actually really hoping I wouldn't have sex for a while, but now it looks like that won't be happening."

—Mary

She acts like it's not even up to her; not even a choice; not even something she has any control over. If a boy so much as exists and they have so much as an even slightly flirtatious friendship, sex is inevitable. She takes no responsibility for her sexual actions, conducting her exploits as if she had no ability to reason. But she's not conducting exploits. She's simply allowing herself to be exploited. She allows herself to be defined by her lustful desires. I know there's more to her than that, but nothing in the canvas she's currently painting would provide any proof of it.